Nope, sorry kids. No nudity! This is a silly (dorky), perhaps even embarrassing (ok, really embarassing...) video blog about my new "toy". Starring: Floreta Cui and Hello Kitty.
I can't really say much else.. I'll let the video speak for itself..
Enjoy. ^_^
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Courage
This post was inspired by a relatively new site I found called Soulpancake. Created by Rainn Wilson, aka Dwight Shrute in The Office, the site aims to explore spirituality and creativity.
I've never particularly thought of myself as courageous, or even resilient, but maybe I am. When my life was commonplace, routine, and boring, I felt so small. Life felt so small. I wasn't reaching out of my comfort zones. I wasn't being courageous. It is not surprising that doing one thing every day that scares you is one of many recipes towards happiness. Shake things up every day. Learn. Grow. Expand. Explore.
Ever since I guest posted at ToughGirl101, I have become more conscious of what has now become a personal mantra:
If you Fear, stare at it with open eyes and do it anyway.
Living a low-risk lifestyle, and thus being somewhat of a low risk taker, I always thought that doing one thing everyday that scares you was "easier" for me. Easier in the sense that there are a lot of things that scare me that a lot of people might take for granted. In other words, I have more options to do something scary! Harder in the sense that it takes me that much more effort to do things than most.
In honor of courage, and gratitude towards things that I can and do accomplish, I will list 5 times that I have shown courage.
(And when I say list, I really mean paragraphs. I guess I don't believe in lists. Sorry.)
1) Joining martial arts
This is something I've always wanted to do since I was little. Maybe I'm biased, or maybe it's the pacifist in me, but I think it takes more courage to learn self-defense than it does to learn how to shoot a gun. While carrying mace, pepper spray, or even a gun is not a bad idea, it can be too slow or obvious when trying to fumble for the item during an attack. Martial arts is reactive, using quick reflexes, and aims not necessarily to hurt the attacker (though that's certainly possible), but evade an attack. Learning how to fight is one of the most empowering and exhilarating things I have ever experienced. I am scared each time I am thrown to the ground, or take a hit, but I survive it and feel a mixture of anxiousness and excitement that can become appealing or even addictive.
2) Volunteering for a Non-Profit
Maybe this isn't a big deal, but I'm telling you everything scares me. Any action, any move, any direction scares me. Who knew that when I happened to stumble upon a flyer that announced a Chinese New Year celebration last February, I'd be volunteering for the non-profit that organized it months later? I saw the flyer the day before the event and decided on a whim to attend. Before I knew it, I was signing myself up for volunteer work thinking it'd be one of those "join our mailing list" things that doesn't really amount to much. Thinking it'd be a low-risk commitment to print my name and email on a piece of paper.
Currently, I am part of their "Leadership" team, which is a small, core group of people each representing different subgroups (marketing, accounting, etc.) for the organization. I am part of the "Web Design" team, which consists of one person (yours truly). I have no idea how I ever came to be in any "Leadership" position because that concept sounds so strange to me and is a hat I am definitely not comfortable wearing. But I'm thinking it has to do with being the only person who knew how to do web design, and speaking up in the first meeting I attended when they expressed a need. Even doing web design scares me because I haven't done it in a couple years, am out of practice, and don't have much in the way of "professional" work (though I do have some). I have been stuck in a creative rut, was telling myself I wanted to start web designing again for months, went to a Chinese New Year party, realized the opportunity to design a web page was practically sitting on my lap, and was still scared to take it.
Recently, the opportunity to visit China with the group has come to attention, which makes the volunteer work seem that much more real. Basically, they are opening their first school for orphans in September, and I could be a part of the process. The main organizer needs someone there to videotape and blog. Knowing nothing about my blogging, and only that I am in the "Web Design" team, one person in the group pointed at me to suggest I go. Secretly I was doing backflips in my head and I hope I can go! The opportunity isn't completely free, but a big chunk of the expense could be taken from group funding.
3) Deciding to go to social media conferences at Seaworld
So maybe I've got that 20something bug to travel! I know I do. But here's the thing. When I have had the opportunity to do something, I too often than not turn it down out of fear. Living with the mantra of Facing Fear has got me rethinking how I do (or not do) things. In my mind, there was no other option but to accept Kat's invitation to meet her there! But following through with the commitment, and making commitments, scare me. Driving to the airport, flying by myself, wondering how I'll mingle in a crowd... It all scares me. Today, I made my hotel reservations. Now all I need to do is book my flight...
4) Making new friends
Admitting that being anti-social wasn't working for me was the first scary step. The idea of making new friends this past year has scared me since the last friend I had made over 5 years ago rejected me. But it absolutely has been crucial and a huge part of my personal growth this year and has helped me with...
5) Leaving him
Leaving a 5 year relationship and three years of co-habitation is tough. Throw in a mortgage, joint account, dog and white picket fence (that one's figurative, though we did put up a fence together...) in the mix and it gets even harder. When you think it's "forever" and you have your whole life figured out, then get kicked in the ass for not knowing any better it's tough. It's also tough when you realize your "whole life figured out" looks depressing and bleak. No one knows shit in their twenties, and breaking up was humbling, to say the least. It's also the hardest thing I have ever gone through. So far. I have simply thrived without him and I know this is absolutely meant to be the way that it is and that I am absolutely meant to be single. So far. This process has taught me how to be content with the unknown (for the most part). In a greater sense, this journey has revived my spirituality and taught me contentedness in bigger unknowns, which leads me to...
6) Going to church
I have not gone to church in over 10 years. I have identified as an atheist in most of those years so when my views began to naturally evolve towards "belief" or "open to belief", it has absolutely become a paradigm shift and a scary feeling as my worldviews turn upside down. I am not one to stagnate. My views are always evolving, thinking, questioning. I feel that agnosticism is more intellectually honest than atheism. Though I respect, and understand, secular humanism, I'm grasping for more. As I try to make sense of all this, the idea of going to church is so foreign to me that when I realized I actually enjoyed it, it scared me. I can think and question all I want but the act of going to church is a whole new ball game. I'm not sure if I'm the "churchgoing type" which adds to more confusion as I make sense of my changing beliefs. Sure, the church was Unitarian Universalist, which is the most liberal religion with no creed or dogma; where all types of people like Jews, atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, Christians, etc. unite, but it was still a surprise to enjoy. The idea of joining a church scares me... and the realization that I want to go again.
What are 5 examples where you have shown courage? Sure, I lied and mentioned six, but five is a good start.
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's Courage ~ Anais Nin
I've never particularly thought of myself as courageous, or even resilient, but maybe I am. When my life was commonplace, routine, and boring, I felt so small. Life felt so small. I wasn't reaching out of my comfort zones. I wasn't being courageous. It is not surprising that doing one thing every day that scares you is one of many recipes towards happiness. Shake things up every day. Learn. Grow. Expand. Explore.
Ever since I guest posted at ToughGirl101, I have become more conscious of what has now become a personal mantra:
If you Fear, stare at it with open eyes and do it anyway.
Living a low-risk lifestyle, and thus being somewhat of a low risk taker, I always thought that doing one thing everyday that scares you was "easier" for me. Easier in the sense that there are a lot of things that scare me that a lot of people might take for granted. In other words, I have more options to do something scary! Harder in the sense that it takes me that much more effort to do things than most.
In honor of courage, and gratitude towards things that I can and do accomplish, I will list 5 times that I have shown courage.
(And when I say list, I really mean paragraphs. I guess I don't believe in lists. Sorry.)
1) Joining martial arts
This is something I've always wanted to do since I was little. Maybe I'm biased, or maybe it's the pacifist in me, but I think it takes more courage to learn self-defense than it does to learn how to shoot a gun. While carrying mace, pepper spray, or even a gun is not a bad idea, it can be too slow or obvious when trying to fumble for the item during an attack. Martial arts is reactive, using quick reflexes, and aims not necessarily to hurt the attacker (though that's certainly possible), but evade an attack. Learning how to fight is one of the most empowering and exhilarating things I have ever experienced. I am scared each time I am thrown to the ground, or take a hit, but I survive it and feel a mixture of anxiousness and excitement that can become appealing or even addictive.
2) Volunteering for a Non-Profit
Maybe this isn't a big deal, but I'm telling you everything scares me. Any action, any move, any direction scares me. Who knew that when I happened to stumble upon a flyer that announced a Chinese New Year celebration last February, I'd be volunteering for the non-profit that organized it months later? I saw the flyer the day before the event and decided on a whim to attend. Before I knew it, I was signing myself up for volunteer work thinking it'd be one of those "join our mailing list" things that doesn't really amount to much. Thinking it'd be a low-risk commitment to print my name and email on a piece of paper.
Currently, I am part of their "Leadership" team, which is a small, core group of people each representing different subgroups (marketing, accounting, etc.) for the organization. I am part of the "Web Design" team, which consists of one person (yours truly). I have no idea how I ever came to be in any "Leadership" position because that concept sounds so strange to me and is a hat I am definitely not comfortable wearing. But I'm thinking it has to do with being the only person who knew how to do web design, and speaking up in the first meeting I attended when they expressed a need. Even doing web design scares me because I haven't done it in a couple years, am out of practice, and don't have much in the way of "professional" work (though I do have some). I have been stuck in a creative rut, was telling myself I wanted to start web designing again for months, went to a Chinese New Year party, realized the opportunity to design a web page was practically sitting on my lap, and was still scared to take it.
Recently, the opportunity to visit China with the group has come to attention, which makes the volunteer work seem that much more real. Basically, they are opening their first school for orphans in September, and I could be a part of the process. The main organizer needs someone there to videotape and blog. Knowing nothing about my blogging, and only that I am in the "Web Design" team, one person in the group pointed at me to suggest I go. Secretly I was doing backflips in my head and I hope I can go! The opportunity isn't completely free, but a big chunk of the expense could be taken from group funding.
3) Deciding to go to social media conferences at Seaworld
So maybe I've got that 20something bug to travel! I know I do. But here's the thing. When I have had the opportunity to do something, I too often than not turn it down out of fear. Living with the mantra of Facing Fear has got me rethinking how I do (or not do) things. In my mind, there was no other option but to accept Kat's invitation to meet her there! But following through with the commitment, and making commitments, scare me. Driving to the airport, flying by myself, wondering how I'll mingle in a crowd... It all scares me. Today, I made my hotel reservations. Now all I need to do is book my flight...
4) Making new friends
Admitting that being anti-social wasn't working for me was the first scary step. The idea of making new friends this past year has scared me since the last friend I had made over 5 years ago rejected me. But it absolutely has been crucial and a huge part of my personal growth this year and has helped me with...
5) Leaving him
Leaving a 5 year relationship and three years of co-habitation is tough. Throw in a mortgage, joint account, dog and white picket fence (that one's figurative, though we did put up a fence together...) in the mix and it gets even harder. When you think it's "forever" and you have your whole life figured out, then get kicked in the ass for not knowing any better it's tough. It's also tough when you realize your "whole life figured out" looks depressing and bleak. No one knows shit in their twenties, and breaking up was humbling, to say the least. It's also the hardest thing I have ever gone through. So far. I have simply thrived without him and I know this is absolutely meant to be the way that it is and that I am absolutely meant to be single. So far. This process has taught me how to be content with the unknown (for the most part). In a greater sense, this journey has revived my spirituality and taught me contentedness in bigger unknowns, which leads me to...
6) Going to church
I have not gone to church in over 10 years. I have identified as an atheist in most of those years so when my views began to naturally evolve towards "belief" or "open to belief", it has absolutely become a paradigm shift and a scary feeling as my worldviews turn upside down. I am not one to stagnate. My views are always evolving, thinking, questioning. I feel that agnosticism is more intellectually honest than atheism. Though I respect, and understand, secular humanism, I'm grasping for more. As I try to make sense of all this, the idea of going to church is so foreign to me that when I realized I actually enjoyed it, it scared me. I can think and question all I want but the act of going to church is a whole new ball game. I'm not sure if I'm the "churchgoing type" which adds to more confusion as I make sense of my changing beliefs. Sure, the church was Unitarian Universalist, which is the most liberal religion with no creed or dogma; where all types of people like Jews, atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, Christians, etc. unite, but it was still a surprise to enjoy. The idea of joining a church scares me... and the realization that I want to go again.
What are 5 examples where you have shown courage? Sure, I lied and mentioned six, but five is a good start.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Inch by Inch: Sleep
This week's Inch by Inch art theme is: Sleep
The words "Slowly to make my way towards sleep" came out in a conversation today which I felt sounded strangely like Engrish. It reminded me of those cute Japanese stationery I used to collect with funny sweet sayings. Like "You're so fine! Making my heart flutter!" or something equally as ridiculous. So this week I am doing a less superior version of kawaii art.
Speaking of cutesy kawaii Asian art, I got my free Hello Kitty Vibrator in the mail today! Yes, slowly to make my way towards... sleep... among other things. Details and possibly a vlog to come. ;)
(uh-huh, get your mind out of the gutter. Not THAT kind of vlog.)
Picture in Monochrome: SF Bakery
Click to enlargeMonochrome Weekly
This is my first time participating in a black and white photography meme. Black and white photography is beautiful. Some of my favorite photographers are exclusively black and white such as Edward Weston and Ansel Adams. Some pictures just lend itself towards black and white better than color. The above is a photo that I believe to be one of them. This baker smiled for me as I took a snapshot. San Francisco was great and I took some shots that would be equally appropriate in black and white in the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) which I will share later. One of the exhibits that really interested me was a series titled The Americans by Robert Frank. It depicted different portraits of Americans and what it is to be "American". I know I am not as great as Frank but for some reason, this picture rendered in black and white reminds me of the series.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Archive Monday: Indie Rawkstar Yum!
pulled from archive.org; visions of my 19 year-old self:
wednesday july 3rd
indie rawkstar yum!
2002 8:29pm
mp3 >> pandora by the cocteau twins
so i was walking my dog, chelsea, the other day. this little runt of a cocker spaniel, twenty pounds. suddenly, from across several front yards, i spot a big male dog loose and roaming around. UH-OH. big male dog comes over. big male dog sniffs little runt dog's butt! she's all horrified as if to say "eww go away!" big male dog is relentless. so finally, chelsea "tells him off" by giving out this ferocious little YELP (hair raised and all!).
big dog backs off.
there are witnesses! they laugh! to think that a pewny little dog such as mine could scare the big one, supposedly the more dominant. but it is not. it is a wuss. still, big dog persists. he actually follows us around the block! but by that time, my dog just trots along in la la la dogland *completely* ignoring him; acting as if he wasn't even there.
and i'm thinking "i taught her weeell".
animals can be real human-like at times. sometimes i wonder if they pick up traits from us.. if their 'personalities' mirror their owners. in that sitution, i would have ignored the guy as well.
speaking of which, HOT BOYS GO TO MY SCHOOL. i just had [new student] orientation today for the art institute. it's not like the place was crawling full of hot guys, but i found two to fixate upon. one of them, for lack of a better word, looked "emo" and seemed shy. he'd look at me.. i'd look at him.. and he'd look away. he had cute curly black hair that tweeked in places that he could get away with. he had some sort of word tattoed to the side of his neck and wore a blue hoodie.
the other hot boy i recognised (!!) . to my surprise, he was the same guy working at the cafe ref and i happened to chance upon one warm portland day about a week ago. we were tired. we were hungry. and we were trying to get to the food court. the cafe happened to be there on our way.. the cafe i'd never even knew existed. it looked neat. it looked artsy. so i stopped.. hesitated.. "do you want to eat here instead?" i asked ref. it didn't matter to her either way..so we went in.
sponteneous.
the first thing i noticed as we entered was the boy. he had a septum pierce, ear lobe stretching and wore a collared striped shirt. something about the indie rawkstar look gets me everytime.. tall, skinny.. mmmm. i should come here more often, i thought.
how funny that i should see him again at orientation. i was standing in line to get to the snacks--light bagels and assorted cheeses--when i saw him. everything around me became a blur. all i could see was him, and his sexxie septum pierce. it was like a zoom lens camera focused on him and only him, if my life were a film.
i wondered if he spotted me from the crowd. i wondered if he remembered who i was. i wondered if he was a grahics design major too. oh, please let him be a graphics design major.. please. we were to split into groups based on our majors. graphic design was in room one. oh please let him be in my group..
and he was. it was REAL weird. that this boy i swooned over in some random cafe just happened to be an art kid.. just happened to be a new student at the art institute and just HAPPENED to share my major. is this fate or what!?
fate. a silly concept sometimes.
i walked into room one. he was already seated at a table nearby the door, so naturally, he sees me enter the room.. and notices me. i know he does. we made eye contact.. so naturally, i had to come over and talk to him. it would seem weird and terribly shy of me NOT to.
"hi!" i smile at him. he was smiling too. "i recognise you... from the cafe" i managed to stumble out. hot boys have a way with making me feel dumb and nervous.
"yeah you walked in to my work.." and somehow, we got to talking about how it was way too early to be up right now and how i'm not a morning person at all..
i didn't even introduce myself. fate, huh? some conversation starter *i* am.. argh. maybe if i'm lucky, i'll have classes with him! or the other boy.. they're both indie rawkstar hott.
it's funny, how i teeter from feministic "i don't NEED a boy to be happy! RAWR!" to "HOT BOYS GO TO MY SCHOOL!!"
wednesday july 3rd
indie rawkstar yum!
2002 8:29pm
mp3 >> pandora by the cocteau twins
so i was walking my dog, chelsea, the other day. this little runt of a cocker spaniel, twenty pounds. suddenly, from across several front yards, i spot a big male dog loose and roaming around. UH-OH. big male dog comes over. big male dog sniffs little runt dog's butt! she's all horrified as if to say "eww go away!" big male dog is relentless. so finally, chelsea "tells him off" by giving out this ferocious little YELP (hair raised and all!).
big dog backs off.
there are witnesses! they laugh! to think that a pewny little dog such as mine could scare the big one, supposedly the more dominant. but it is not. it is a wuss. still, big dog persists. he actually follows us around the block! but by that time, my dog just trots along in la la la dogland *completely* ignoring him; acting as if he wasn't even there.
and i'm thinking "i taught her weeell".
animals can be real human-like at times. sometimes i wonder if they pick up traits from us.. if their 'personalities' mirror their owners. in that sitution, i would have ignored the guy as well.
speaking of which, HOT BOYS GO TO MY SCHOOL. i just had [new student] orientation today for the art institute. it's not like the place was crawling full of hot guys, but i found two to fixate upon. one of them, for lack of a better word, looked "emo" and seemed shy. he'd look at me.. i'd look at him.. and he'd look away. he had cute curly black hair that tweeked in places that he could get away with. he had some sort of word tattoed to the side of his neck and wore a blue hoodie.
the other hot boy i recognised (!!) . to my surprise, he was the same guy working at the cafe ref and i happened to chance upon one warm portland day about a week ago. we were tired. we were hungry. and we were trying to get to the food court. the cafe happened to be there on our way.. the cafe i'd never even knew existed. it looked neat. it looked artsy. so i stopped.. hesitated.. "do you want to eat here instead?" i asked ref. it didn't matter to her either way..so we went in.
sponteneous.
the first thing i noticed as we entered was the boy. he had a septum pierce, ear lobe stretching and wore a collared striped shirt. something about the indie rawkstar look gets me everytime.. tall, skinny.. mmmm. i should come here more often, i thought.
how funny that i should see him again at orientation. i was standing in line to get to the snacks--light bagels and assorted cheeses--when i saw him. everything around me became a blur. all i could see was him, and his sexxie septum pierce. it was like a zoom lens camera focused on him and only him, if my life were a film.
i wondered if he spotted me from the crowd. i wondered if he remembered who i was. i wondered if he was a grahics design major too. oh, please let him be a graphics design major.. please. we were to split into groups based on our majors. graphic design was in room one. oh please let him be in my group..
and he was. it was REAL weird. that this boy i swooned over in some random cafe just happened to be an art kid.. just happened to be a new student at the art institute and just HAPPENED to share my major. is this fate or what!?
fate. a silly concept sometimes.
i walked into room one. he was already seated at a table nearby the door, so naturally, he sees me enter the room.. and notices me. i know he does. we made eye contact.. so naturally, i had to come over and talk to him. it would seem weird and terribly shy of me NOT to.
"hi!" i smile at him. he was smiling too. "i recognise you... from the cafe" i managed to stumble out. hot boys have a way with making me feel dumb and nervous.
"yeah you walked in to my work.." and somehow, we got to talking about how it was way too early to be up right now and how i'm not a morning person at all..
i didn't even introduce myself. fate, huh? some conversation starter *i* am.. argh. maybe if i'm lucky, i'll have classes with him! or the other boy.. they're both indie rawkstar hott.
it's funny, how i teeter from feministic "i don't NEED a boy to be happy! RAWR!" to "HOT BOYS GO TO MY SCHOOL!!"
The Stranger
The following poem is inspired by Albert Camus' existential novel, The Stranger.
The only constant in life is Death
Cold, automaton robotic life in
Cold, automaton robotic cell
Can you escape the prison of life or
The life of prison?
Meaninglessness absurdity of
Existence
To think that Existentialism
Gives you meaning in itself
Is absurd
Even Existentialism is
Meaningless
The Stranger observes
On the fringes of
Society
Indifferent to life and
Life around him
A threat to people's worldviews
He is misunderstood and collective
Resentment and hate
Fuels the Stranger's
Existence
Giving meaning
The Stranger
Accepts the strange
He is a mirror to
Society
A projection of
Fear
The antithesis of
Love
Embracing the
Empty Void
[One Single Impression . The Stranger]
The only constant in life is Death
Cold, automaton robotic life in
Cold, automaton robotic cell
Can you escape the prison of life or
The life of prison?
Meaninglessness absurdity of
Existence
To think that Existentialism
Gives you meaning in itself
Is absurd
Even Existentialism is
Meaningless
The Stranger observes
On the fringes of
Society
Indifferent to life and
Life around him
A threat to people's worldviews
He is misunderstood and collective
Resentment and hate
Fuels the Stranger's
Existence
Giving meaning
The Stranger
Accepts the strange
He is a mirror to
Society
A projection of
Fear
The antithesis of
Love
Embracing the
Empty Void
[One Single Impression . The Stranger]
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