2009

It is 12:05am, January 1st, 2009. The fireworks are going off in my neighborhood and I can hear the shouting, whistling and hollering. New Years has never been much of a "holiday" for me. I usually stay home, have the TV New Year coverage on by default. I am comfortable that way, and I don't drink.

Tonight though, I had dinner and movie with some girl friends. New Years is a time to be together but I just felt more alone. I don't do well in groups. Is it my fault? For not taking enough initiative, and life in my own hands? Is it my fault for being too shy? When trying to follow 6 other people and their conversations I am... left behind. I don't know how to interject something to add without interrupting people and how to actually have people listen when I do try to talk. I'm more comfortable as an observer. I've always had this social ineptitude. The awkward comments that I'm the life of the party (sarcasm).

I don't know how to hold my own, and the banter is overwhelming. Then, I get too stuck in my head about feeling awkward and overanalyzing what I should say and when, that by the time I decide it's ok, I am too late, and the conversation is off to another topic.

We were a group of six girls but one guy, as one of the not-single girls in a crowd of single girls brought her new (but old) boyfriend. They had just gotten back together after only 4 months of being "apart" in which they had a push-pull relationship and contact the whole time. The whole time the guy trying to woo her back. The whole time the girl playing hard to get, not firmly setting her "NO" boundaries (not firmly wanting to end things) and accepting him again. "He's changed" she's said. Somehow, in 4 months, the skeptic in me says I don't think so. He'll pull the same shit again. They'll fall back into old patterns.

In order to make getting back together with someone work (insofar as not falling back into old patterns), I firmly believe one has to go through the full motions of breaking up and moving on before they can even think about "starting over" or "trying again". There is no starting over in a prolonged break-up situation because it never is over. Not completely. Maybe they've realized their ways, maybe he's even going to counseling... Who am I to judge? I'm just jealous anyway.

I used to have a push-pull relationship with a guy I was on again/off again. I never really liked him. I stayed with him because I was (am) insecure and didn't want to be alone. Sometimes, I was embarassed to be seen with him in public. He was much bigger than me. Corpulent. I thought people were judging me for being with a fat man, and by default, an unattractive man. I felt horrible, guilty, and shallow for thinking that. I was too insecure to be with a socially unattractive man, yet too insecure to be with an attractive man, and too insecure to be alone. Basically, I just screamed insecurity.

I tried to convince myself he was cute, in his own way. I was attracted to his babyface. I liked his hugs because cuddling was so much more comfortable. Cuddling with athletic people, or underweight people is too hard, jarring, rough. I've been with skinny men and their bones poke me against my bones.

"I am finally OK with being alone!" My friend said, before getting back together with her ex. Was she really? Being on again/off again was ridiculous. It was kind of like "oops, nevermind!" when we would break up. The next week we would be back together. And we rinsed and repeated for at least three times. That kind of "break-up" isn't even real. The continuity still flows as one relationship.
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I fully didn't intend to go off on that tangent. Maybe it shows I am becoming a bitter fool. The new-old couple went their separate ways while four of us stayed to watch "Yes Man". It's a movie based on a true story where a man, stuck in a rut, decides he has to say "yes" to everything in his life or to every opportunity that comes to him. It was the perfect New Years movie to get inspired for resolutions. Since New Years is such a non-Holiday for me, I normally don't do resolutions. Life is a series of constant changes and adjustments, why should a New Year make that any different to your lifelong self-improvement quests?

This year though, seems different. Not only is this a New Year, it is a new chapter in my life. I am excited to see what changes may come about for 2009. Life is unexpected and unknown. I have been single for two months and still trying to find my way. I don't know what to do with my newfound freedom, how to make my life my own. Somehow though, I think this blogging thing is a good start.

One thing is for sure, I definitely want to participate in life instead of passively watch it go by. I guess if I could focus on one resolution, it would be taking more initiative for my own life, really being a Taurus and grabbing the bull by the horns. Yes, that means for me, too, saying "yes". But it also means not being afraid to talk amongst a crowd, or not being afraid to try new things, or get back into old interests. Scratch that. Fear can be a good motivator. The trick is to get past fear. Recognize the emotion, accept that you have it, and persevere. So far, I am getting back into creative writing so I'm off to a good start! Still, there is so much more to do... My efforts, so far, have been subtle. They are small changes and I feel I've barely started tackling any of my "issues". Substantive change can't happen all at once. Patience and time and knowing that it is a gradual process is of essence. I would like to see the world someday and that is a big step. Planning is not my forte. And initiating big plans... double scary.

In 2009, I will persevere. I will bounce back and I will be stronger than ever. I already am. I am no longer the insecure girl who was afraid of being alone, prolonging a relationship I didn't even care much about because of it. Sure, I am terrified. But I am not afraid of being alone. Sure, I am afraid I will grow up an old spinster (or maybe I already am?), but I am taking it one day at a time, and it doesn't mean, at this moment, that I am afraid of being alone. If I were afraid of being alone, I wouldn't have left my last lover. Sure, it was "mutual", but I initiated it. That catalyst was the point in which I already started to take life in my own hands. In the end, my mind and heart know that things will work out. All I have to do is take action and take part.

So here's to you, 2009, for possibility and perseverance, and hope.


"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin