"For Richer or Poorer"

Marriage. This is a touchy subject for me. I have written about it extensively when I first started this blog. Marriage has always scared me. My parent's relationship is built on fear and anxiety and when I was in my early teens, my mom told me she would leave dad if she had the money. Marriage just hasn't been a happy idea in my mind.

Not surprisingly, I transferred the same energy of fear and anxiety into my relationships with men. I do not trust. I have to say that one thing I learned about myself during my break-up is that I am a commitmentphobe. I sabotage relationships--like the wrath of Medusa--until there is nothing left. I push people away so as to keep myself safe. Safe from what? Safe from love, safe from hurt, safe from harm? Except that I still got hurt, and I didn't get love because I couldn't give. My self-destructive tendencies were more harm to myself. Like Medusa, I turned my relationship into stone. Hardened and weathered, even rocks can crumble.

In Greek mythology, Medusa is considered to be a tragic figure. She was so enamoured with herself and of her undeniable beauty--even going so far as to declare herself more beautiful than a Goddess--that her self-centeredness got in the way of love*. She was desired by many, but before she got a chance to marry, Poseidon raped her in the temple of the Goddess Athena. Athena, taking offense to this violent act upon her sacred space, punished Medusa by turning her into a monster with hair full of snakes. She was banished into a life where one look at a man would turn him into stone.

One could say that Medusa had had it all; the incredible beauty that made many men desire and court her, yet her vanity kept her from a true love, and marriage. This is a classic case of "rich to poor", though even that is in the eye of the beholder. The character of Medusa, in all her monsterous glory, was a complicated figure. She not only symbolized vanity, beauty, and ugliness, but also themes of creativity, destruction and rebirth. In order to create balance, she destroyed.

* * *

I distinctly remember doing an art assignment where I chose to do a self-portrait merging my face to the head and hair of Medusa. During that time, I didn't know the story of the myth in full detail. What did I know? I was just an art student. Naturally, I was attracted to the portrait of Medusa by Michelangelo Caravaggio (right). The painting spoke on its own to me, and I did not need to know the background history to relate: I was Medusa.

Now that I know the history, I am Medusa. I am self-centered to a fault, that doesn't allow me to be open to compassion and giving. I am self-destructive and use this energy to tear down, so that I can pick the pieces and build up. Destruction as balance? Maybe I am doing something right. It took the destruction of my relationship for me to see the areas that I need to improve within myself and give me the clarity and fortitude to persevere. Like Medusa, I must turn my eyes away from men and focus solely on myself. For richer or poorer is not this or that, either/or. It all lies in our own perception.

For me, I had never thought of marriage as rich and abundant. It was a trap, and I acted accordingly in my relationships to do all I could not to get there. Despite all my antics, the destruction of a relationship I really cared about has got me thinking about the belief in myself and the belief in believing. I will build myself up again piece by piece. I will be lavish and rich with personal self-worth, and happiness, as I stand alone. I don't need men to feel accomplished, all I need is my own confidence (wherever it is). Only then, in the bask richness of myself, will marriage (or relationship) seem like a happy option.

The journey starts here.


*This is my loose interpretation of the myth of Medusa.

Writing prompt by Sunday Scribblings