When I was 10 years old, I remember walking home from school one day thinking about gays and lesbians, and then wondering what the word was for people who like both, because I decided (no, realized) that's what I am.
Bisexual.
When I was 13 years old, my then-bestfriend and I stood naked in her room together and compared vaginas, snickering at the faint start of pubic hair that we were both acquiring. I liked it. I don't remember if we touched eachother's pubic hairs. I remember wanting to, but for the sake of this story, lets say we did. She stroked my hair, and I stroked hers and we both giggled. It wasn't sexual. Just like playing spin the bottle with a group of 13 year old girls wasn't sexual. Can you buy that? I'd like to think so, but I'm full of shit.
When I was 16 years old, I had a girlcrush on the drama girl with short, purple hair. She would always make eye contact with me in the hallways and smile. She always had the most colorful outfits. I had short, bright red hair and wore outfits just as colorful, but I liked her style. She was so effortless; I was trying too hard. She had a longterm boyfriend though, and I didn't think she was gay.
I never had a boyfriend in highschool. If people ever thought I was a dyke, I'd get upset. I don't think anyone ever called me that to my face, but I still got upset because I could feel their thoughts calling me dyke. Who knows if they really thought that, but that's what I felt and I was paranoid. I am not a dyke! In highschool, I thought I was expressing my individuality but I didn't know I was also expressing my sexuality. If I told my classmates I was bisexual, I don't think they'd be all that surprised.
What is it about being colorful that describes gayness? Even now, when my outfits are much more subdued, I am described as having a lot of color. Does that make me gay? Is it that easy to tell?
When I was 19 years old, I made out with my bestfriend--in classic, drunken fashion--in front of a boy. Haven't we heard this song? After that incident, I would masturbate to the thought of me and her doing more. The thought of me seducing her, fucking her. I would read erotica about bestfriends. It filled my mind for a brief period, and then I felt guilty and wrong for having nasty thoughts about my bestfriend and hid it away; filed under: do not think again. I was ashamed. I never masturbated to the thought of her again.
That experience sealed the deal for me though, that I was truly bisexual. Sexuality is a spectrum and my straight bestfriend was just fucking around. She kissed girls all the time when she was drunk. I kissed one and that was enough for me to know I was not straight. Add in the thoughts of her and me doing more and that's enough to know I could fall emotionally in love with a woman, a bestfriend. That shit scared me. It's bad enough falling in love with a man...
About two years ago, I joined a karate class. I did it for a full year and got up to orange belt. There was a young blonde girl in the class that had barely turned 14. She was always my partner for techniques because we were about the same height and weight. She was maybe 10 pounds lighter than me in her youthfulness, but she was tough. I was actually intimidated by her when we sparred together because she had a mental toughness that I didn't have. I hated sparring. I was afraid of it. Having my 'tough face' on made it a bit better, but ultimately, I quit because I'm chickenshit. No, I didn't quit because of sparring, though that was a factoring excuse, I'm sure. I quit because of her. I was ashamed. The chickenshit part is true.
Sometimes, when I'd masturbate, she'd pop up in my head and all of a sudden, I'd have inappropriate thoughts. I didn't know where they came from, but she kept popping up, as if beyond my control. It scared me. She just turned 15. Shit, that's young. I felt guilty and wrong for having nasty thoughts and hid it away; filed under: do not think again. I was ashamed. Truly, there was something wrong with me. I never masturbated to the thought of her again.
My Ex once told me that you should never run away from your fantasies. Embrace them, or they will control you. Inappropriate thoughts aren't inappropriate when they are just thoughts. If you don't embrace or acknowledge your fantasies, you may end up doing something inappropriate. Wise words. Or, you may end up up running away from yourself and being ashamed of your sexuality. Feeling guilt. Feeling like dirt. Feeling less than.
When our relationship was the best it had ever been, we mutually discussed alternative relationships. He wanted me to be able to explore my sexuality that I had never got a chance to fully explore. He thought our relationship was stable enough to handle that. I showed him!
It was months after I quit karate. I told him about the girl, and my thoughts. I was on the verge of finally embracing my sexuality, until he said I could find a girl. That felt too real. I ran away from myself and from our relationship. I went further down the spiral. I was ashamed all over again.
That discussion was a turning point for me. He said we were stable, but I knew I personally wasn't. I didn't have my shit together. I still don't. That discussion was the shift in me where I knew I needed to be independent, figure out who I am, and deal with myself. I didn't know how to achieve those things in a relationship. I couldn't be we anymore. I just couldn't. Part of this is coming to terms with my sexuality.
I am bisexual.
I have never felt comfortable enough to say that until last year. After our discussion, I changed my ambiguous orientation status on Myspace from no comment to Bisexual. It was a big step for me. I started to tell people I talked to online that I was bi. Last fall, for the first time, I told some new real-life friends that I was bi, but only after warming up to them and realizing they had also experimented with girls. That was an even bigger step.
It is January 8 and I am still figuring this shit out. Even now, I think, I want normalcy. I want a man to live with and grow old with. My blog friend, Alana, told me bisexuality is normal. She's right. It's just as normal as anything else. I can accept gay and lesbians as normal people, but it is much harder accepting myself... She said, fight the shame. These are good thoughts.
I am fighting it. I am trying.
(She also said writers are brave, especially women writers. Shit, I hope so.)
Tonight, I shall masturbate to thoughts of my bestfriend. I'll think about my 13 year old self stroking my then-bestfriend's pubic hair, and I'll smile. I'll think about that 15 year old-sweet sixteen, I'm sure, by now-and I'll cum.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
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36 wandering stars:
Would take guts to put it down here in black and white.
For the record, I'm not.
You are brave for admitting to yourself that you are bisexual. The rest of us have fantasies, some have acted on those fantasies, but do not have the bravery to accept that we may actually be bisexual.
That song was by Kate Perry, entitled I Kissed A Girl and I Liked It.
I agree with Angel, you are really brave for admitting to it- and it really doesn't matter if you are. Those that really care about you won't judge.
I admire your ability to write so openly about the particularities of your sexuality, especially those that depart from the norm. I've yet to try this, but I intend to soon. It seems like the sort of thing that might be regarded differently for a woman than a man.
I think you are too hard on yourself with guilt, however. Your thoughts are your own; few of us, would be approved of, much less free from jail, if our thoughts were subject to scrutiny. It's your actions that you must keep in check.
I like to think that I am an open book but your post is that in its truest form.
I am happy that you were able to put it down "on paper".
thank you. i really would not have the courage to write this if i didn't write anonymously (if there is such a thing, on the internet).
Demigoddess - yep, i do know that song. and kate perry is hot, kindof. but zooey deschanel is even hotter :D
Errant Gosling - yep, i am always hard on myself the most.
Josie - i am only an open book here because i am so reserved in real life.. i need an outlet somewhere.
It takes a lot to say all this in public - even if the public doesnt know you. I'm straight, but I can empathise with people who are struggling with themselves and others for being against the "norm". If only every kind of sexual orientation was the "norm", things would be so much better for so many people.
and i thought it was a fiction. if its indeed a true story, i applaud you for being real. being open to the cyberspace is a big responsibility.
take care kabayan. :-)
Hi Floreta!
You are indeed very brave!
You've got a Part II brewing? There's more to tell? :)
shammi - thank you for empathizing. it's a big part of me that i denied for a long time because i didn't want to deal with it.
totomai - nope, not fiction :) and being open to life, living, is a big responsibility too..
michelle - thank you. there is a part II brewing.. i don't stop evolving or thinking :)
That was powerful! Wow. I love your conviction to be true to yourself. Go Floreta!
I've had crushes on girls, including one who was a close friend. I think she could tell, which is why she ditched me one day without saying goodbye. I was as heartbroken as I was when my first boyfriend left me. I've never acted at all on any of those feelings, but I'd like a chance to kiss a girl, someday.
wow you really are brave, like i said a lot of times being able to accept yourself the way you are, surely makes life feels easier..a couple of my friends are gay and some of them are bi too, only some of them can tell it so openly though.
"Creativity requires the courage to let go of certainties."
- Erich Fromm
Good for you!
hey floretaaaa :) i nominated you for a lemonade award, check my blog if you wanna see :D
Floreta, when our world succeeds at making a human being feel ashamed of his or her sexuality, the world has succeeded at controlling that person. Shame is a powerful thing. And it’s heavy and haunting, all consuming sometimes too. Look, I know. Some people have no problem inflicting shame on others as a way to feel superior. We all go looking for a scapegoat anyway; all of us do and single mothers are right up there with homosexuals these days. We’re destroying family values. Ladies and gentleman, I am raising a child outside your heterosexual, Christian mainstream comfort zone. My son is a flaming hot Libertine. Jesus Christ.
Bisexuality is as normal as homosexuality or heterosexuality. Desire is universal regardless of gender or sexual preference. I’m sick of our human tendency to draw lines in the sand, inflicting division upon ourselves and each other. It’s really about control.
Play safe, play fair, otherwise I don’t care who you wish to fuck; fuck to your heart and clit's content, my friend.
Of course writers are brave; they have to be or they rarely say anything worthwhile. We’re supposed to say what everyone else is afraid to say (Anias Nin.) Women writers are especially brave when they write about their sexuality in a frank non apologetic manner. Women like that piss other people off, which is why many female bloggers who write about sexuality often do so as you do: without an actual identity. I understand that. I hate it. I wish it would change. But I understand.
You're ex, by the way, has an intuitive take on fantasies. He’s not an Average Joe intellectually by any stretch of the imagination, and neither are you. The world needs more people like the both of you.
About "gayness" and "color:" Maybe there's a correlation, maybe there isn't. A person regarded as "colorful" may be regarded as flamboyant, assertive, expressive, rebellious, creative, or wanting to attract attention. My eleven-year-old son dyes his hair all kinds of colors: black, red, green, blue, and then red and blue, black and red, etc. He's curious about Emo subculture as well and currently styles his hair the Emo way, you know, with the bangs in his face.
Emos, of course, are regarded as gay and subjected to homophobia, as demonstrated recently in Mexico City. My son says he like wearing his hair in the Emo style but doesn't relate so much to the "darkness" associated with Emos (the cutting, the moaning the world is bad, etc) but he could go there once he hits puberty, I suppose; we’ve discussed the underlying implications of Emos and how they’re perceived socially. My son says, “Don’t worry Mom. I just like the hair; I’m not depressed.” Emo kids need love like the rest of us do; they’re yearning for acceptance and find it with each other. Not so bad. I just hope their parents love them too. Whether of not my son is gay or not because he colors his hair and likes looking Emo doesn't concern me in the least. If my son is gay I’m happy for him, I’m elated. If he’s straight I’m happy for him, I’m elated, and so on.
What I want for my son is health, confidence, empathy and creativity, self fulfillment and kindness. I want my kid to accept himself because then he accepts others.
I don’t want my son to turn out a cruel and bigoted Asshole.
Peace,
A
I love all your posts so I nominated you for an award. Check it out here .
Your courage and openness is so admirable...the older I get, the more I realize it's vital that you be true to yourself completely. You are doing that -- kudos to you and your honest writing.
Wow, this is such an honest post! I really applaud you for writing this.
Thanks for visiting my blog and for all the comments. I'm glad I checked out your blog too, because I love your it!
most wouldnt agree...
but those who do and dont actually play hypocrite should be applauded.
my salutations!
Hi there, thanks for popping by my place. Glad I returned the visit.
After reading this, I want to hear more. And I agree with your readers above - you are brave to admit your sexuality and I think its great you are coming to terms and being comfortable with it.
Wonderfully expressed .. I hope you had a truly deep satisfying organism. I admire your ability to write honestly from the heart or vagina .. not sure which is inspirng you but its great.
I find that it is a hard thing to explain, that you are not "sitting on the fence" that you are not "experimenting" that you are not "making a decision" as a bisexual woman - we make our choice, and we choose both. You have put it down in an incredible way!
insomniaclolita and demigoddess - thank you both for the awards!! i will be posting about it soon :)
alana - wow, i think i'll just email you for this one ;) always appreciate your comments!
fledgling poet - i agree, the more you are accepting of yourself, the more you are at peace with the world.. the less anger you hold on to.
chloie - thanks, i loved your blog too!
seher's shenanigans - nice to see you here again! thank you! i was never exactly a hypocrite so much as not accepting of this side of me.. i never denied it but am still working on shame..
random moments - thanks, it is a work in progress. and, there will be more to tell, don't worry. :)
daryl - lol do you mean organism or orgasm ;D i love it.. i hope my vagina inspires me too!!
mieletcannelle - well said. choosing both IS a choice!
Wow. I'm glad I visited your blog. This is a powerful piece of writing. I hope that more people will arrive at that same realization you did and will feel that they can be who they are without feeling ashamed.
kimberlee - thank you. i can't bear to reread this piece over and over again, and i'm still working on the shame :)
Floreta-This is so raw and real...It reminds me a bit of a book I began reading when I was about 19 first starting college) one called
"My Secret Garden" by Nancy Friday...it's all women's sexual fantasies, and it discusses some of the "scary," intimate, and important things you have discussed in this post. This book, as well as the second one (the name is eluding me), also by Nancy Friday, allowed me to come to terms with my fantasies, and feel "normal" and not ashamed.
Beautiful Floreta. Isn't everyone bi-sexual until the incessant grinding of the dominant cultural norm pushes them to choose to conform or rebel. Only the tough see the reality that choices are only limited by our imagination.
It's all about the person not their 23rd chromosome pair which determines our ability to bond/pair.
Very brave of you to talk about this and to be true to your emotions and feelings...im sure it takes a lot to do so.
Best wishes in your journey to accepting yourself for who you are. It's a tough road in the real world. You have my support and compassion because it SHOULD be easier; it SHOULD be a "GIVEN!" Equal human rights for ALL!
the year to year realization and struggle of someone coming out has always fascinated me, albeit usually from afar.
Thank you for sharing your journey. There's power in knowing yourself, and being comfortable in your own skin.
May you find what, and who, you are looking for.
-Chase
Another absolutely amazing write. Powerful and unabashedly truthful, I love it. Coincidentally I came to the realization over the last year or two that I am also bisexual, though very few people know about it. Not that I'm ashamed of it, but it just doesn't come up much. I haven't had a long term relationship with a woman yet, so far just men, but I could very easily see it happening. Someday. I'm happy being single right now though.
'Inappropriate thoughts aren't inappropriate when they are just thoughts.'
What delightful wisdom there!
A fabulous, powerful essay.
And, yes, the title got me, because I'm a straight guy.
I know I'm a little on reply, but I applaud you for putting yourself out there like this. As someone who has grappled with some of these same issues, I know how confusing and frustrating it is to figure all this out. Of course, it's even more difficult because I feel like there's no place for bis - not in the lgbt world, not in the straight world. Good luck with everything though!
I read this with interest. Your forthrightness is startling, but also refreshing.
I have so many friends who are bi women. I'm not, I'm Lesbian, but I have ears and I have learned SO much just from listening to them. You're not alone in your feelings and experiences, that's for sure.
I have always said that if I woke up tomorrow morning in love with a man, I would follow that. What is, is. It will express itself one way or another, no matter.
I LOVED what your friend said about writers.
Wow! I've never met a blogger so brave until I read this post. How therapeutic this hobby really is! :)
They said it all. But I still want to repeat there's nothing wrong with being who we are.
You write so well Floreta. You have the gift. :)
Coming out to yourself is a gift! I'm bisexual too (although I intend on spending the rest of my life in a lesbian relationship with my girlfriend!)
Cheers and big hugs to you!
xx,
JP/deb
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