Pilgrimage

[Written for you've been tagged, totally optional prompts and sunday scribblings. Please consider participating!]

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
~ Martin Luther King Jr.

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
~ Martin Luther King Jr.




Today is an exceptionally special Martin Luther King, Jr. day for me as we reach the beginning of our 44th presidency with president-elect Barack Obama tomorrow. I will be attending an inauguration party with some friends.

If I could change one thing about myself it would be to live a more centered life; a less self-centered life. For isn't it Gandhi who said Be the change you wish to see in the world?

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excerpt from an old pre-blogging online journal entitled Soliloquy:
saturday august 3rd
what moonsongs?
2002 12:35am

album >> radiohead: kid a

the reawakening of the spirit is a momentous occasion. reverberating sound vibrates and resonates on string to signify the intuneness of the instrument. up and down arpeggios busy my little fingers as i try to fly through the strings. black marks on my fingers and the hardening of callouses shows i've been practicing. and just now, my fingers become stained by charcoal as i try to handle the delicate drawing paper. i miss my sadness. but life is too precious to waste it on such negativity. you only live once, so really LIVE it. i've learned that the cycle of negativity is just that: a CYCLE. it will get you nowhere fast. misspent youths tearing up a rampage. i was once once of them. wasted energy; burned out star. or maybe i was never even that. a star, i mean. too much time... reverberating on my lonliness, isolation, alienation... too much time wallowing in my hole of self pity. how was i ever going to get out if i indulged in it!? vicious cycle. a sad one, really. the day the stars shined i never looked back... but sometimes i stumble and fall. only to get back up and keep on going. i'm alive. notes inside of me. moon songs to sing your babies. whatever.

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This is the voice of my 19 year-old self and I find that I am still writing about the same things, the same struggles, the same awakenings or reawakenings. Is my personal pilgrimage really so static, dull, unchanging? I'd like to say my writing has matured in this time, and I hope so, but I can't be sure. In this time I talked a lot more about boys and a lot less about who I wanted to be. The pining has to stop, and now I just write empty poems with themes of bittersweet love and relationship. Every Monday, starting today, I will be posting old journal entries "found" through archive.org so that you can see for yourself what my pilgrimage is from a short (but long) 5-6 year timespan. My roommate once said to me that ages 20-25 are huge growth years and completely different from ages 25-30, with equally as much growth, in different ways. He's right.

I will tag these entries "Pilgrimage" so you can refer to them easily. These entries are little treasures to me, despite seeming self-serving in my 19-20 year-old thoughts; in all its ugly, beautiful, embarassing, awkward, emotional, insightful glory. These are reminders of where I was and where I am and where I'd like to be.

Where I Was

A little boy crazy. A little pathetic. My writing tried to be compassionate, but also ended up sounding immature or self-centered (it also ended up sounding "emo"). Of course, who's to say my writing isn't still immature and self-centered (or even emo)? It may be. Life is, as always, a work-in-progress.

I was a 19-20 year-old just discovering the world of dating. I wanted someone to love me, love me. I didn't love myself. The image to the right exemplifies my 19 year-old self and this period in my life. Kind of a fuck you! Riot! shell, which was really just shallow cover.

Where I Am
Having just come out of a 5 year long relationship, I am finally trying to love myself. No dating. No hooking up. Just love myself. Which might be counter-productive with the self-centered thing, but I have always believed change comes from within. How can I love others without first loving myself? The notion that I expected others to love me--revolve their lives around me--without first loving myself is more of an indication of self-centeredness than anything else.

Where I'd Like to Be
I'd like to volunteer. I'd like to be a confident, grounded, whole, fulfilled individual. I'd like to be comfortable with myself, and comfortable with the idea of sharing my life with someone else. I'd like to be giving. I'd like to travel, or travel to volunteer. I'd like to make a difference in this world. I'd like to write a novel, or be a professional artist, or photographer or... at least realize that I can be anything I set my mind on, and have the tenacity to achieve it.

* * *
Last weekend, I went to a company banquet and the company president read off some Martin Luther King, Jr. quotes and other inspirational quotes of people who tried at something, failed, and then tried harder. People like Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, Michael Phelps and Michael Jordan.

I've always believed that if you put in the work, the results will come. I don't do things half-heartedly. Because I know if I do, then I can expect half-hearted results.
~Michael Jordan

Reading through some of these quotes and experiences of "overcoming" adversity, being tenacious, and never giving up made me tear up. I don't know if I've just gotten softer, or stronger or what, but I cry at little things. The [company] president also said that Martin Luther King, Jr. paved the way for the first black president's success to become possible and more than just a "dream". More choked up tears. He is right. Today is a special day of remembrance for the man who lead a movement. The man who stood up to justice, practiced civil disobedience, and declared that "one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws."

* * *
When I saw Obama speak during the 2008 Presidential Elections last May, I was grateful and in awe. Grateful that I had a chance to witness such an amazing speaker, and in awe that I was looking at our next president. Civil Rights activist Myrlie Evers-Williams had the honor of introducing him; "the next president of the United States" Barack Obama. I believed it too. Being in the same room as two important people was an honor in itself. The event was held at a highschool where prom was being held that same night, and Obama prefaced with an apology of complicating the school dance plans! He came off as being completely down-to-earth and genuine.

The event was a town hall meeting style question and answer, and I am pretty sure that Obama talked about MLK after thanking Myrlie Evers-Williams for the introduction and being completely humbled by the presence of Civil Rights leaders that helped pave the way. He said pretty much what my company president mentioned: that this would not have been possible without MLK, and that he owed a lot of his success to people in history, and people in the present--like you and me--to help change and make a difference. This is the ultimate history-in-the-making Pilgrimage. I hope to live and witness more, experience more, and be more.