Letters - Past

Dear Ex-Boyfriend 1,
You were my first love, first kiss, and my first heartbreak. I cried too many nights for you; for something that didn't last very long at all. Do you remember when I saw that shooting star while we shared a moment on the swingset and you missed it? That was a metaphor for our relationship. Out of synch.

Last I heard of you, you were going to culinary school (surely, you've graduated by now?). You had taught me the fine dining experiences of Baja Fresh and Chilis. For a girl that grew up on McDonalds and Dairy Queen, I was really seeing the light. Now, not so much. But then, I was seeing a whole new world. Thank you.

You hurt me. You went too far and I spoke too little of my boundaries. After joking about dumping me, you dumped me for real, right there on the cemented steps; cold, hard, unforgiving. I was stunned. I had just given my first blow job on your 9-inch dick. You had just seen me naked for the first and only time the day before. Was I that bad? Was I that unattractive? Maybe it was just bad timing but, you hurt me.

I don't remember much about you. You are but a speck in my memory. But I do remember that you apologized. And for that, I am grateful. I forgive you. I do wonder how you're doing at times. I hope life is treating you well. I tried adding you on Facebook months ago. You never accepted the request. I guess you like keeping the past the past. And I've no inclinations that destiny will bring us together again. I feel as if I should resent you, but I don't. I think fondly of you. Time is funny that way.

Love,
Floreta

* * *
Dear Punk-Rock Boy,
Ah, my highschool crush. Remember when we went to the choir retreat and watched the most beautiful sunrise swoop up the sky while you coolly smoked your cigarette and had three other girls all over you? That's a metaphor for our relationship.

I'm so glad I jumped down from that pedestal you had me on. For the record, you were never in love with me, you were in love with the idea of me. Once I realized that, I was finally free. I hated being under your beck and call. Randomly showing up at my house at 10pm, then disappearing for months and randomly popping your face into my life again? It was torture of the sweet kind that I willingly participated in. I waited for you. I was never the girl you could have because you were always dating other people. Do you know how much I wanted to be with you? Do you know how low I felt that I wasn't?

I came out on top, though. When you finally wanted me, I rejected you. I was through with this game. We would never be good together. You just don't fit my lifestyle. I hope you've found someone you can actually hold on to, but I hope I never see you again.

Love,
Floreta

* * *
Dear Vegan Boy,
Remember when you told me this dream scenario where we would live in the same apartment building together--you on the first floor and me on the 2nd--and you would come knocking at 7am in the morning to wake me up and go for a run? That was a metaphor for our relationship.

I liked that idea. I still do. Maybe it's because it's close without being too close. Platonic without being too platonic. I'd like companionship without commitment. That was what was so alluring about you. I was somehow always left wanting more. I still want more. I want to visit you in New York. Maybe we could have a night to remember and finish what we started.

Love,
Floreta

* * *
Dear Ex-Boyfriend 2,
I'll be honest, I was ashamed of you. And I was ashamed of myself for being ashamed... because you had a weight problem I was embarrassed to be seen with you. I hated feeling shallow. We were on-again/off-again because I wasn't sure if I really liked you. You had relentlessly flirted with me and I didn't have the backbone to fully turn you down. I kept stringing you along until I had "no choice" but to say yes to you. Because I didn't have a backbone. Because I liked the attention.

I never loved you. I was only with you because I was so insecure. I lost my virginity to you and I wish I hadn't. It's all technicalities: your small dick did nothing for me. I felt the glass bottle I stuck up my virgin pussy more than I felt you. I wish I could take that year back and build myself instead of drown myself. Sometimes, I fear that I still don't have a backbone, but I've gotten better.

Remember when I lost my pink star hair clip that was so "me" in your room, and couldn't ever find it? Then, years later, by chance that we met again in our similar circle of friends, you dramatically gave it back to me at the last minute and it wasn't "me" anymore? I wanted nothing to do with it. Those memories and those times. That is a metaphor for our relationship.

I know I'm a bitch and you are probably the only one I resent... I'll never talk to you again but I hope your life is less pathetic than when I had left it.

Love,
Floreta

* * *
Dear Ex-Boyfriend 3,
This is hard, because it's still so fresh. I don't care what you may think of me, it's not true; I don't resent you, and I can't hate you; I've tried. That is not a lie. At least, not a conscious one. I think fondly of you. I think I blew it and it makes me sad. But every time I try to talk to you, toxicity sinks in. I feel like shit again, for all the negative things you say about me, for all the emphasis on my undoing. You don't have to rub it in, really. I know that you're hurt but I know what I've done wrong. Every time I talk to you, it confirms why I broke up with you. It makes me sad but, I'm better off without you. Maybe we're the right people at the wrong time. Probably, you're the right person at the right time to help me be where I'm at today. I'm sure you were 'the one' in that sense.

You already know my metaphor for our relationship; I don't care to repeat it here. I don't enjoy villainizing you and I won't. It hurts me.

You treated me well. That's why it's hard. It's not as obvious, and well, you know how bad I am at living in shades of gray. I don't need "binary" answers from you anymore. I can figure things out for myself. I have to. I want to.

I don't mean to complain or kick you out of my public space, but I would prefer if maybe you stopped reading my blog? You won't find me talking about you here in a disrespectful manner, so you don't have to check up on me. I know you're sensitive but you're my past now. Take it for what it's worth but I don't see the point, and I'm trying my best not to e-stalk you anymore also. I e-stalked you during our relationship and that was wrong of me. I'm truly sorry. You've taught me so much. I can be a better person because we went through this. I can already see a difference in me; my well-being. I hope time is good to us. Take good care of Fuji.. I miss him. Maybe someday we can be friends. But I try not to expect anything these days...

Love,
Floreta



Written for 20something bloggers network: February Blog Carnival