When I was twelve years old, my family got AOL. I discovered messageboards, the internet, geocities, hacker progs, and what I can only guess in retrospect was a pedophile named "NAILUGOOD", my first online friend. I also discovered my step-dad's newfound "secret" stash of porn pictures that I'm sure my computer-illiterate mom even knew about eventually. He was sloppy at hiding it. He didn't care. It took up more than half of the computer's ram and bogged down the hunk of junk to even slower than it already was. One picture in particular I will never forget--what looked like a five year old giving some guy a blow job--forever ingrained in my memory. The rest of the pictures spanned the whole spectrum of porn including popular favorites as she-male porn and Asian hotties. I hated seeing him on the computer, his back turned towards me, as I opened my bedroom door hoping to God he wasn't jerking off. I was disgusted by this image of his back.
As I grew up to become a burgeoning adolescent, I became very self-conscious of myself around him. Hoping to God I wasn't fulfilling some sort of Asian fetish. I hated any attention from men. I wanted to hide. We weren't related after all, and after all I've seen and all I've dealt with, I couldn't trust him. E-mails to personal ads, online relationships, confessions of cross-dressing in his mother's closet when he was a kid, sexually explicit emails to escorts talking about meeting and going down on them. I had seen it all, and I was beyond horrified. Mom was aware of all of this, apparently, since before the computer. He had a "secret" P.O. Box for his double life. Mom stayed by his side. One day, he left his instant messenger service on while I was using the computer and his internet girlfriend from the Philippines messaged him words of love. I cussed her out.
I've never met my biological father. He left when he realized he got my mom pregnant. I was a mistake. Sometimes, especially then, I wish I had never been born. Wouldn't my soul rest easier than in this life? My teenage years were typical and troubled. I didn't feel that I was justified, that my life wasn't all that bad. That I had it pretty good. I kept up my grades, I didn't spiral into drugs, I wasn't promiscuous. On the outside, I was your stereotypical Asian goodie-goodie. So why was I so angry? I wanted to prove how shitty of a daughter I was. I wanted to make mom wish I hadn't been born.
My mom and step-dad met through a "pen-pal service". I think that's code for mail order bride. She did this all for me, she said. To have a better life in America. To provide for me. To provide what? A roof over our heads, food, clothing, but what else? Daily yelling directed at me, or mom; hair pulling, belt whooping, ear twisting when I was five? An unknown bruise on my face from a Halloween picture aged 5 (or 6) that I don't recall. My mom said it was from "running into a door", as she got that quiet look in her eyes.
Although they may have provided the bare necessities, they did not provide love. All my life, I've felt guilty as hell for having this life I'm so ungrateful for that my mom did "for me". I hated my mom for this. I still arbor hate. And anger. I hate beyond all my step-dad, but I don't respect, nor trust either of them, especially my mom. She was the one who got me into this, and she was the one who didn't get me out of this. And so I direct my hate at her, to this day...
I used to fantasize what my life would be like if I had never moved to the States. Would I be happier? Would I be less shy? Would I have had a high-school boyfriend? Would I know love?
No. I have never known love. I have never known love for myself or familial love. I have known romantic love, of the shattered, dysfunctional kind, which is to say I have probably never known love. How can I ever know true love with a history like this?
Sometimes, I do ache for a different family. That's why it was so hard to see Fuji and my ex's parents last weekend. They've been nothing but loving and supportive... The family I wish I had had. If I could do it over, I would have a loving father and supportive mother and be a loving daughter. Wouldn't we all? Look, I hate that I've been so shitty; built my walls, had this attitude, since grade school. I hate that every time I see my parents, which is to say less than once a year, I hole up and build my walls again, have this hard-rock angry demeanor and angry tone to my voice. Or when my mom calls me weekly, I can't keep a straight tone. I hate it. I'm a completely different person when I'm around them. I'm guilty as hell and I'm embarrassed. I hate that everyone thinks I'm so sweet, but I have this darkside... I hate that I use words like hate, and I'm ashamed.
"We've put you through violin lessons! We've put you through college!" They say, if I ever complain. "We've given you a car!" It's always my fault. None of my reality is real. They deny it. I was just a bitch for no reason.
I wish I could leave the past behind but I can't, every time I see them, or hear my mom's voice, I can't. I wish I didn't have to see them ever again. That I could just run and hide... But that's not the courageous thing to do. I need to confront this. I'm trying.
No. I have never known love. But I am trying to cultivate love for myself. I used to be so riddled with anxiety over the love of a man. I pined for love in middle school and high school, wondering if anyone would ever love me, not knowing that I first had to love myself. I never thought any man would ever love me. My scars were too ugly. Consequently, I have pushed men away because I have not resolved my own personal issues. Riddled with anxiety, I have not ever felt I deserved love. I have not trusted the love of a man. I question love. I question commitment. I have not been able to take the leap of faith and trust.
I am prepared to live my life alone. Not in cowardice, but in triumph. I need to be OK with who I am on my own, as an individual, before I can ever share my life with another person. I'm not going to pine for external love, I'm through with that. I've got a long way to go, but if I can be OK on my own, and be prepared for that life, then I can be more open to another outcome. First, I need faith in myself, respect, love, and trust that I will be OK. This life has made a cynic out of me but I still believe in happy endings.
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PANDA DOES PALAMPUR
- floreta
- 1) One panda's quest to be more compassionate, caring, connected and loving to self and others.
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Hi, My name is Janet, but you can call me Floreta. love or hate mail? floretacui [at] gmail [dot] com
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33 wandering stars:
I truly admire you for laying it all out here. I have this trust issue as well. But for now, I am not brave enough to explain the reasons why, as it is not only my story, but that of my siblings as well. This disconnect with love you have, could it be because of a misunderstanding of who you are? Not necessarily that you do not love? Or, maybe I am misunderstanding;) But, I have had to make that distinction in my own situation. Anyways, God bless and I wish all the best. You are a great communicator btw. Nice post.
This is so true.
Love, truly, must start with self.
But even there it gets tricky. The truth: "self" is broken too.
Do we have a picture of wholeness, of Perfection, in this life? If we do, that would be worth loving. Maybe we could start there.
I'm sorry for the hurt you've been through. There is no justifying it. I personally don't believe you were an accident, even if your birth wasn't of your biological parents' intention.
Selfishly, I am thankful for who you've become. Had you not come to America, your knowledge of literature and the English Language would be vastly different. I would never see you pen what you do today. Selfishly, as I said.
Things would be very different.
I pray healing will come for you. Resentment, anger, disgust; they are all justified. I don't believe, though, that "Time heals all wounds". If anything, I think it just "numbs" the pain. Numbing is different than Healing.
What I hope for you, friend, is Healing.
I'm sorry for everything they have put you through. It must have been so hard, in my life I've met a few people with similar problems like you. But you're so much stronger than them, they end up just ruining themselves. I say if your family isnt being your family, you can always create your own outside of that. Maybe your close friends, I don't know.
Hi
Very deep and open.
I think your mum loves you, but her way of showing it is being a mail oder bride so that you can have a better life, buying you a car, catering to your basic needs, but I guess she forgot to really show you tenderness etc.
It's sad that the way she shows you love is not the way you want to be shown...
I guess that's why she calls you every week and I'm sure is frustrated because she thinks she has done the right and loving thing by you and can't understand what she's doing wrong.
I'm glad that the last part is more positive and optimistic. Love your self first... deal with your stuff first... and then the other issues and people will fall in line.
i am head over heels for the way you pour it.
i too pray that healing comes to you!
you have me wishing you well always :D
Well I'm out of words for a second.Does this mean u aren't an American originally?Which country did u move in from?
Words can hurt sharper than swords and faster than bullets at times.But u got to understand that u should never take life 4 granted.U've only traversed a quarter of life's road...u never know what's left on the other side for u.
You gotta strengthen yourself in a way u think is the best and be ready for a major windfall of fortune...it may come a decade later ...or tomorrow...or even the next second.Just beleve in Him.
Maybe the panda will cease to be solitary oneday....
It was very brave of you to write this. I believe your mum loves you because of all the things you say she's done. I know it's probably hard to "love" her but she'll always be your mum. There's a reason why we all were put on Earth. Maybe you just havent truly realised yours as yet....but you will.
Stay Strong
You are more loved than you think, and the world is a better place than it at times appears. But you are right to be leery, and right also to look inward. I hope you find the confidence you need, and the life you seek.
retromus-ik - thanks for stopping by. i appreciate it. i'm not sure i understand what you mean by misunderstanding and how it relates to disconnect of love.. i do know that it has been very hard for me to be my own person, as i constantly have seeked love from others (boyfriends, etc) and craved attention. i'm just figuring out who i am today.
chase - yes, it's a somewhat basic thing that i am just now learning...'love myself first'. you're right about me being completely different had i not moved here. i never thought about the literature/writing angle. in my teens, i used art to help cope.. would draw and paint every day or play music. now, it looks like i have replaced art for writing as my coping mechanism... maybe there's a reason i have (and share) this 'gift'. thanks for your optimism.
lolita - that's good advice.. i can always create my own family. i haven't had close friends in a long time but i'm starting to.. and it's nice.
lion-ess - i had never thought of her perspective on why she calls so much. the fact that they're probably so clueless doesn't help though. i can learn to love myself but i'm unsure if i'll ever find peace with my family.
americanising - thank you. :) i do appreciate it.
deeptesh - i am a first generation immigrant from the philippines. yes, a quarter life is not very long at all. i have much more living and experience to go.. i actually named my blog "Solitary Panda" back when i was still in a relationship, to give you an idea of my frame of mind.
girl on a journey - thank you. i hope i realize it soon then. or at least realize my self worth. i agree that there's a reason we're put on this earth.
errant gosling - thank you. i am hopeful of those things.
All I can say is, thanks for letting us in.
@Omega - you're welcome. i think this process.. writing it here.. is healing (once again, i cried when i wrote the entry).
Hi floreta. Gosh, you've been through so much since you were young. I'm sorry for what you had gone through. But maybe those trials were given to you for a reason? Maybe somehow it has helped you to become the person you are today.Maybe it has helped you to become strong. "that which doesn't kills us, will only make us stronger".
I agree with you, you have to learn to love yourself before you can let someone in. Get to know your strengths and weaknesses. Try to enjoy the company of your friends.
Wish you well. take care. =)
wow i finally found someone who went through something identical as i did, i cant find the courage to write mines every time i start i stop and delete it,yes they always will say you don't appreciate noting thy do, but they will never understand that the thing you wanted was love not the material things,
about my step dad, the amount of hate i got for that guy is beyond compared,i appreciate you writing about this, i have the same thing with my mom we can never talk on the phone i get so freaking upset sometimes for no reason,i stay away as much from her because every time i say something about the past she starts to cry.
All the best hope one day we can forgive at least you its very hard for me.
I'm loving these deep introspective telescopic views of your past.
Sometimes it makes me wonder if I'd be a more interesting person if I'd had a more harrowing past...
Luckily (or not!) I've led an incredibly easy and painless life. I guess I got the luck of the draw on the parents...
I've also never known love, beyond my parents. But that's a self-esteem thing I think, rather than love as an unknown entity :)
"I am prepared to live my life alone. Not in cowardice, but in triumph. I need to be OK with who I am on my own, as an individual, before I can ever share my life with another person. ... First, I need faith in myself, respect, love, and trust that I will be OK. This life has made a cynic out of me but I still believe in happy endings. "
What an AMAZING last paragraph. I mean the whole thing is beautiful and amazingly brave, but I especially loved that last part.
You've been through a lot, but I can see you strong spirit in your words. You can rise above your beginnings. In fact, you clearly already have.
Trust is such a hard thing to overcome. We all come from dysfunctional backgrounds... some more than others. You've been through much. The anger and hate your harbor is natural. And you realize why you harbor it. But do not let it eat away at you like a cancer. I would suggest counseling. Find someone you can speak to about your past, everything that bothers you, makes you sad, angry, hate or happy. Because in those sessions you will come to know yourself and forgive yourself and others and this is something that you need - that we all need. I still struggle with some things and I am much, much older than you. And because I am older than you I can also see that your mother does love you. It's just that she does not know how to properly "communicate" that love.
My wish for you this year Floreta is to find peace within yourself and find the tools necessary for you to start living your life again without all of this pain...
Floreta: This is an absolutely stunning piece of writing - pure yellowcake uranium. It felt like something that should have carried its own measure of healing, just in the writing of it, a blast of truth from its molten center. I love the lasered eye, unwilling to blink.
Sometimes walking away from family can be a very good thing. It needn't be seen as "running and hiding." I've done this a few times in my life, for many years at a time, and the walking away can be good for everyone involved, not just you. The time away can be a time for everyone to re-shuffle their lives.
Keep loving yourself and grounding yourself in that love. This virtual society of bloggers is a bit of an artificial world, sure, but it too can offer a measure of support and validation.
Again: a very fine piece of writing. A bold manifesto.
ChinkyGirlMel - yes, at least thinking it was for a reason makes it seem a little better anyway!
Unbreakable - Wow, thanks for sharing!! I also have never met anyone similar to me.. And believe me, it's hard to forgive too..
Sebastian - yep, it goes back to loving yourself (again).. self-esteem, self-worth, etc. you mean you're not a tortured artist?? jk. i think that's just an unfortunate stereotype about artists.. you can be creative without being tortured, obviously :P
Kristan - thanks for saying i'm strong! it means a lot.. I wouldn't say I've quite rose above them.. but getting there. I can accept myself and learn self-worth.. love, trust, confidence... but the hardest is forgiving..
Rebecca - i actually do see a counselor.. but i have not talked much about this.. i agree i need to dig deeper in these sessions to figure things out.. thank you for the wish.. i agree. i think the main thing is that i carry too much guilt that i need to let go of..
murat11 - yes, writing this alone was healing in itself! i realize the artificialness of the blog community but i also do appreciate everyone's support. thanks.
Sadly not a tortured artist...
I have to rely on using pretty young things as muses instead!
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I feel like I know you better now.
I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I knew it wasn't easy. But you should look forward to the future, and forget and forgive all the things that happened in the past. Just think that you're a stronger and better person because of it. I'm sure you'll find love. You're pretty and I know you have a good heart. As cheesy as it sounds, there would be that one person who will appreciate everything you have to offer.
Thank you, Floreta, for putting so much trust in us that you are willing to share this part of you!
"I am prepared to live my life alone. Not in cowardice, but in triumph. I need to be OK with who I am on my own, as an individual, before I can ever share my life with another person. I'm not going to pine for external love, I'm through with that. I've got a long way to go, but if I can be OK on my own, and be prepared for that life, then I can be more open to another outcome."
Jesus H. Christ. That's beautiful. And I hope you mean it. I'm rooting for you.
Peace,
A
P.S. Thank you for the post.
sebastian - hey, not a bad way either.
chloie - you're very welcome! yeah, i'll probably find love sometime, but i can't predict the future.. basically saying i'm not going to look for it though. just let it find me or 'happen'...
amy - thanks.. it wasn't easy though.
alana - thanks so much. and yes, i'm damn serious about it! thanks for the support.
Hi Floreta -- Been there just a little and I still remember. I've had the unjustified belt w's, ear boxing, etc. and rage. Have wished I wasn't or could end.
I've seen it between my parents as well. Somehow my Dad became different, sometimes he would slip but things were better.
I was dumped by my ex after being cheated on. With us she was escaping from home, both of us were terribly young. Her fourth husband is lasting. I don't know the nature of their bonding. She gone physically but like the rest it all stays with me.
I was not looking for a wife, not even a girl friend, or even a female friend for that matter. But Mrs. Jim came along and I was a goner. We have been married 36 years yesterday, out marriage is pretty good and she is a wonderful woman! She has scars from her past as well. Some of hers fester every now and then. I am more silent.
This is just a note to tell the guy side of some sorry things. Maybe I shouldn't have. Can it help? I've recovered, crippled a little. I survive. Quite well I belive. Most of us do, life goes on.
I am so glad you are where you are now. Things will work out, people won't know (or remember or talk about), and some will arrive who will accept you for you and will hardly see the scars. They won't hide entirely though.
..
Floreta- I am so moved by this post. Affected by your honesty and inspired by your introspection. I truly believe that your ability to write this, your ability to truly learn about yourself, confront and accept that of which is ugly, your "scars" you say, is enough that you will cultivate a life of love. You understand what must be done. You are an incredibly intelligent woman with a beautiful soul and much to share.
I suspect that you may at some point still unconsciously sabotage those things that make you feel vulnerable, but I am confident that you are close to learning to love yourself, which as you noted, is the first step.
PS. Our histories (bad and good) are what make us who we are. Let people in and see your scars. They reveal you and you is what someone will fall in love with.
Floreta( as a fellow Filipina) I can relate to the things you've written and understand your mom's reasons for doing what she had to do. But I feel sorry you had to experience such distrust for your step-dad.
You're a strong person. I admire your honesty and courage.
Jim - As always, thank you for your thoughts. Your marriage continues to inspire a young'n like me. :) You can share as much as you'd like. It does help..
AttainingMe - I've been meaning to write a post like this for months (arguably, years?)... So thank you for your recognition and confidence in me! I agree with you to let people in the good AND bad. I have no doubt that I will take the leap of faith next time and trust (myself and other). Though a life alone, yes, I am prepared for.
Angel - Thank you. Yes, the distrust was hard especially for a father figure. Still learning to trust men in this way...
Hi,
Your writing is beautifully eloquent.
I was particularly struck by this "I am prepared to live my life alone. Not in cowardice, but in triumph. I need to be OK with who I am on my own, as an individual, before I can ever share my life with another person."
My OH has always said that you need to learn to live with yourself and be happy with yourself. And he is very wise,it is unusual to find such wisdom in someone so young. Some others have said that your Mum loves you and I am sure that must sound very hollow. But, I am convinced that she does, of course she may not have got it right! It does not sound as though she has a good life either, just materially ok (Reading this I just think of how awful her life must be too). I would bet that she is really proud of you! I have (although not for the same reason as yourself)had a very uneasy relationship with my Mum over the years, as a teeneger I rebelled very badly. However, since she has been ill, I am never angry any more. I hope you find peace for yourself.
Chrissy - thank you for commenting on this. What is an OH? I guess maybe she loves me but not in ways that I'd like, as someone said. I am certain I'll find peace someday.
Hi Floretta, Other half, I think it is an British term :-)
We heal and get hurt simultaneously, we love and give and hate and take, loving oneself is the most important thing when it comes to love, external or internal.
Loving yourself is what it all comes down to.
I salute you for your triumph.
Cynicism might be a curse, but so is ignorence.
:) Take care
saed - thanks so much for reading!! and i'd rather have cynicism than ignorance any day..
dysfunctionality seems to be getting more common these days. sigh. i'm sorry. life has made me a cynic too, but i think the fact that you still believe in happy endings makes you so much braver than people who don't... like me. kudos to you.
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