Big Me, Little Me

This post could not have come at the most opportune time! I have been thinking of doing this post for days but didn't know how to start. Then, there is an appropriate prompt at Sunday Scribblings for "Dear Past me, Dear Future Me", and another prompt of a similar fashion at Twenty Something Writers to write a letter to yourself at a younger age. Allow me to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

The following letter to Little Me could apply during a childhood period of my life or just that "littler" state-of-mind that we all sometimes experience.

* * *
Dear Little Me,
Be brave. If I could go back in time as my present self, I would mother you because I know you felt that no one was really there for you. I would hug you and let you cry on my shoulders. Third grade is tough especially when you're a chubby Asian with broken English and a funny accent. But why do you hate Mexicans, little me? Please don't hate other minorities. They're just like you, too. Is that why you hate them so much? The fear that they're just like you. Don't be afraid. It's not the end of the world if Pedro likes you. Building a life on fear, hate, and anger hurts others around you. I speak from experience. But mostly, it hurts yourself (I speak that from experience too). Why would you treat yourself in ways you surely wouldn't want to treat other people? Why are you so mean to yourself? The golden rule applies not just to others, but to yourself. I would teach you self-respect but it's something you yourself have to cultivate.

Don't worry about being fat. As you grow older, don't worry! You are not fat. Stop with the put-downs already! Do I need to give you another hug? Ignore the boy who tells you there's no such thing as white tigers, because you've seen it in pictures; it must be true! Ignore him when he beats you at checkers one too many times at the babysitters. Ignore him, later in life when he always picks on you and you hate him so much; it just means he has the hots for you. I know that sounds weird, because it is. Love and attraction don't always make sense, but the beauty is that it doesn't have to. Love goes beyond the battlegrounds of logic. So be careful not to overanalyze; it's pointless.

Have fun. Ride your bike around the neighborhood. Rollerblade through the outdoor school corridors. Climb trees. Build forts out of big bushes you can crawl your way inside in. Do what makes you happy. Don't be afraid. Enjoy it.

Love,
Me
* * *
Dear Big Me,
Do you know who you are yet? Are you exactly who you want to be? Do you still find peace in solitude? I'm sitting here at a loss for words. The future is so unknown and I have no idea where I will be in ten years. To tell you the truth, that still terrifies me. I like comfort in knowing that things are in place, and right now, things are not. Not in a Future sense, anyway. In the moment, I'm living a stable, comfortable life. I suppose I should be grateful for that. I am. The future hasn't happened yet. As far as I know, the future does not exist. It is a faraway concept because what we always have is the present. Each day will be the new present, and the days left behind the old future. Why worry about the future then? It's silly.

I'm kind of boring, and not the most adventurous person. I rely on an Other to make all the decisions and now that I can only rely on myself, I feel paralyzed. What do I do with all this empowerment? Do what makes me happy. Don't be afraid.. Sure, that's easier to say than do. Baby steps. So far, I've bought myself a new camera (the better to see you with, my dear). I'm not sure if that even counts though, really. The ex showed me a link to the sale (but for the record, I bought a different camera), so was it really my own decision or relying on an Other again? I need to join aikido. I like martial arts and it makes me feel like a bad-ass when I'm really not. I think i'll get on that. I'm not sure if this momentum will have an affect on me, but not everything has to have some Purpose, right? We're all just a small speck in the vast universe anyway.

I hope in the future that I'm a little better at this love thing. I mean, I hope that I love myself for real. I hesitate to say that I hope I am in love with somebody because I know I can survive without that. I like the passive, external approach with a very active, internal approach. Still, I admit, sometimes it's scary to think I would never find someone (I am only human after all). It shouldn't be an expectation, a necessity, or even a requirement, but it should be an added bonus for loving myself. I hope I do.

Love,
Me

* * *
futureme.org allows you to send a real email to yourself in the future. What would you say to your future (or past) self?