I am on the couch and he is on top of me, in awkward missionary position. The only thing separating my naked body from the other people in the room is a blanket, but I can easily give them a show. His long, disheveled dirty blonde hair tickles my skin. The smell of alcohol reeks his breath. He is a stranger to me, but I do not care. Right now, I just want sex. Straight-to-the-point, cut-to-the-chase SEX.
Hormones rage my body. I've been watching more porn lately. Pushing aside my usual lesbian porn for straight sex and blow jobs. Yeah, I guess I'm craving cock. The kind I can fill my entire mouth with. Gently up and down, swirling tongue. Swallowing.
As he enters me, I tense. I'm apprehensive. I've never done this before. Casual sex, I mean. I hope he can't sense my nervousness. I hope that I can handle this...
It's just a dream, you know. I awake from it in a daze. Reality sinks in that I've been celibate for too long. And that I have promised myself that I will remain celibate for at least a year. That's crazy, maybe. But I need a year long sabbatical from outside distractions. I'm not religious by any means. Spiritual, perhaps. I need this time for myself like I need water. Nourishment. Survival. For now, I just have my imagination, my hands, and my vibrator.
Sometimes, I wish I didn't have such high standards or morals so I could just sleep with someone. Have sex when I want to without commitment. I know myself enough to know that I can't handle it. I miss sex but sex is something spiritual to me. It's the closest I've come to feeling a sense of God. It's the tantric trinity of sexual, emotional and mental attraction. Without the three I am left wanting more, and feeling empty. Because I have experienced the three, I cannot have anything less for myself. With all these thoughts running around in my head I still remain a good girl. I am a very sexual person but I will not be another notch to your belt, and you will not be mine.
Maybe it's a lot to ask, and a lot to wait for, but I cannot have sex unless I'm in a relationship. That will likely take more than a year. And yet, I'm tempted to go against what I've decided. Loosen up. Quit being so uptight. The mind and the heart mixed with sexuality are conflicted. Where do my boundaries lie? Is sex worth it without connection? For now, I live in a fantasy; always in my head. For now, I won't do anything brash, but should it come up (pun fully intended), always wear a condom!
[My submission for Sunday Scribblings #153: Listen Up Because This Is Important! Practice safe sex or no sex.]
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PANDA DOES PALAMPUR
- floreta
- 1) One panda's quest to be more compassionate, caring, connected and loving to self and others.
2) A Panda's pilgrimage to Palampur in the Northern Himalayas of India in hopes to enrich children's lives. Please consider supporting me with a small donation.
3) A journey with International Volunteer Headquarters, January 18 - February 6, 2010
Hi, My name is Janet, but you can call me Floreta. love or hate mail? floretacui [at] gmail [dot] com
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49 wandering stars:
I admire your determination to not cheapen sex. I'm a recovering religious, but still very spiritual, and I believe you said it right when you gave notion to the three-fold power and mystery that lies behind this sacred act.
I choose not to have sex because I think it's beautiful, not because I think it's dirty. It's wonderful and I deserve the best possible. The best possible isn't a belt full of faceless notches.
I applaud you for recognizing that.
Today I got some time and so chkd ur blog.Gosh u didn't let me down.Your explicity kinda floored me once again...those descriptions.And it is an innovative concept to represent sex as something spiritual and sacred instead of something dirty or naughty.Yeah,it's holy if u consider it is the means of procreation and giving shape and form 2 a new being.So it should never be used for the wrong reason.I appreciate your sense of morality.
My exams are going fine...hope u received my mail about the woof contest where I came among the top five.Nice to be back for a while floreta.But 18th is still a looong way off.
*sheeesh* i wish i was forty years younger!
:-)
keep on bloggin', love
..
.ero
Stick to your scruples. It sounds more like you crave the release, rather than the act itself. I think if you found the former you would immediately regret the latter. SO, I would resist.
...But I know how hard that may be.
i love it! and i appreciate your honesty. sex is very very personal. and therefore to me, requires a partner who knows me on that most personal level, mentally, emotionally and then sexually. but then again, to each his own, so yeah, safe sex is your best bet. :)
I hate condoms. Not to mention they don't fit very well either...
I do try to only have sex with girls I've been together with for a while... but it doesn't always work out! Sometimes I have sex first and ask questions/thing about the future after...
But everyone that's sexually active should get themselves tested regularly anyway!
Your raw honesty always moves me...sex most definitely affects the mind and spirit, as well as the body. It is something worth being thoughtful about. Beautiful read, as always!
Hm.
I wish I could will myself to have dreams like that.
Last night, I dreamt that my old landlady almost attacked me with a vacuum cleaner and then gave me a pair of tiny doll's eyeglasses pinned to a tiny pillow.
Oh, and stick close to your principles and your vibrator: the former will never let you down, and the latter only will when the batteries run out.
Chase - yep! i think of it as sacred as well. i don't think it's dirty either. and as for religion.. i may be a recovering atheist.. my beliefs are changing.. a little bit. i should write a post about that.
Deeptesh - sex is spiritual and sacred to me. but i don't just think of it as a means to procreate only. it is sacred and spiritual even for fun if with the right person.. and yes, congrats on the woof!
Bare-Eyed-Sun - I will keep on blogging.. Most definitely. And who says you have to be 40 years younger to enjoy sex :D
ErrantGosling - You are right. I will definitely stick to my scruples.. Not too hard knowing I don't have some pressing opportunity at the moment, but the battle in my head sometimes makes it so.
Impudence - You love sex, or you love this piece... Or both? :) And I think you might have read my intent wrong although I can see why because my mind is often confusing... I don't want to have sex for now. I still stand by my yearlong celibacy pledge.. But if I were tempted I should have to practice safe sex.
Sebastian - ooooh maybe you need the extra large then? I'm not the biggest fan of condoms myself. I used to just take birth control. But I think condoms are the way to go if you're going to have more casual sex.
Fledgling Poet - Thank you! I'm glad you appreciate the thoughtfulness!
Puddnheadnathan - Yes, I actually have sex dreams pretty regularly. :P Lucky me?
Yours sounds like a scary dream!
And thanks, I'm sticking to my principles.. My vibrator is the plug in kind so no need to worry about batteries. :) It's just sometimes I think about the frustration and the thought that with my high standards I could possibly never have sex again!!
Wow, I think the world needs more people with your mindset around.
Anyway, I must say I can be pretty lucky when it comes to dreams coz half the time, I'm a lucid dreamer, which means I can mostly control what goes on in my dreams. :D You can imagine the stuff that I come up with when the dream involves a hot guy. =p
Honest and open, with an important message.
I've always had the problem, not of even moral standards getting in the way, but because sex can connect you to the other person, I find myself not wanting to break that connection. Therefore casual sex would really just end in minor heartbreak (and has), which I'd rather surpass than get laid. It's not so much an issue now, but when I was single, only once did I sleep with someone I didn't know before that night, and though it turned into a 3 night stand, the 2 of us still talk. That happened 4 years ago!
I don't know if I'm making any sense at this point. But anyway, I didn't engage in casual sex, though I did dream of it, mainly because I was looking for something more than that. Even when I was hypersexual due to mania, I still stuck to somewhat of a moral code following that I must be in a relationship with the person so that I don't get hurt nor they get hurt by the sting of possibly liking the other.
And furthermore, if I were to engage in casual sex, I'd still only sleep with someone I found attractive - which includes what comes out of their mouth, and if they felt the same way, there is always the shame of what happened that follows after because unless you really can just notch the old belt and fuck for sport, the shame and regret hurts.
That's valuable advice!
I was wondering reading this if you know anything about your Venus sign.
I have a very similar attitude towards sex myself. While it seems that options are ever present, I have never chosen to exercise my desire for them. Do I like sex? Hell yeah! But I, like you, refuse to simply be a notch. There is soo much more going on during sex, that having your heart/mind/body all in sync makes it that much more enjoyable.
It's been almost 2 years since I've had that magical moment, but my willpower is stronger than my physical desire.
No where else would I ever discuss something like this online. :P
Your morals state who you are. By not sleeping around, I can tell that you have to care about that person and vice versa.
I think that's why I never did casual sex. It's because I want that guy to care about me.
Meaningless sex isn't fulfilling. It just leaves you more lonely in the morning.
that rawnessness of downright honesty no matter how out there and on the face it is..
that is what it takes...
that is waht i wanna see!
This is my first time reading your blog...I was drawn in instantly. Your a great writer.
I think that it is wonderful that you hold yourself and sexual experinces in such a high regard. I went through a "wild phase" in my life, and I can say that I agree with you...sex is not a casual thing. Even if it's just a hook up or a repeated hook up, I think that someone will end up hurt in the end.
I read a book called "Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both" by Laura Sessions Stepp. It's a great read, I recommend it.
I do casual sex, Floreta. But lately I always feel awful afterward. Feeling like I deserve something more, feeling like I need to be fed emotionally too. I don't know, it hurts me just by thinking about it. And sex isnt just the same lately
Ooh, that was quite a punch. I admire your candour and determination to stick to your principles.
Nashe - Thank you, I agree that more people should have this mindset.. I hate the stigma of being a prude or goody-two-shoes.. but then the stigma of being a slut too.. It's such a catch-22.. and wow, awesome that you can dream lucidly! i can to an extent. if i wake up from a dream, i can go to sleep and pick right back up from where the dream had left off..
anthonynorth - thanks. i was wanting to write about this prior to the prompt, but the message in the end was so that it would fit into the prompt better..
oats - i really appreciate your thoughts here! i guess for the people who do it, they feel that the pros outweigh the cons. also, there are level of 'casual sex'. an outright stranger/one night stand situation.. a friend you've known for years but wouldn't want to get in a relationship with or vice versa.. to what extent would i feel comfortable? it all just confuses me (the grey areas) so i'll just abstain until i am in a relationship. that's what i figure anyway.
Devil Mood - no, i don't know about my venus sign! what's that?? do tell!
OmegaRadium - Haha I'm glad you chose to discuss it here. :P I'd also like to think my willpower is greater than my desire.. two years is impressive though! I find myself more attracted to guys with this similar mindset as me. I guess that's not surprising. As long as you stay true to yourself, you are more likely to find that person with the similar energies as yourself and a better match..
Sassy - I care about my friends. Would I be willing to sleep with a friend? I'm not even sure. That's where it's tricky..
Seher - True, I want to see this too!
Dani - Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you like my blog. I think that people will respect you more if you stay true to yourself, no matter what your choices may be. And yes, I've heard of that book! It hasn't been on my radar but maybe it should be..
Andhari - I don't want to imply or seem that I would look down on people that have casual sex. Everyone's decision is their own.. But what you describe is what I am afraid of if I were to try something more casual.
Bee Bee - Thank you! I will try my best to stick to them.
I admire the steely and compassionate way that you look at yourself in the mirror. The honesty is wondrous to behold. I can do the compassionate part pretty well, but I've got way too many dance steps to waylay the steeliness. It's high time the Panda joined the Blogroll over on Planet Murat.
You have a big chance in having a perfect man for you. Keep it up!
Aww...it was just a dream. A pity, that. :P
Ah I'm with you all the way on that one. I don't have sex with someone until I know something will undoubtedly come out of it, or we're in a relationship. I really missed reading your blog this week :(
That was really unexpected and probably the most interesting and thought-provoking response to this prompt. I can relate to this to a certain level, and I loved your fully intended pun. Kudos!
Your honesty in showing your fantasies and desires is admirable. There is no definite answers to whether one should have sex within/without/aside of a relationship. The only [sad] thing I can say is that rarely does reality live up to our fantasies.
*applause*
I only do sex with my husband, but still we use condoms, because we think three children has driven us crazy enough :P
This is what I get for clicking on a seemingly random comment from my own Sunday Scribblings!
Fun, hot, intentionally leading. Frustratingly good.
Thank you.
Murat - I did not realize this post showed compassion.. thank you! Thank you for adding me to your blog roll as well! Quite a pleasure and glad you dove into some archives and enjoyed Red Without Blue.
Dark Fairy - and here I thought I had slim chance.. Thanks. Maybe this looking in the mirror stuff will amount to something.
Gabriel - Maybe. I do have sex dreams quite often. Frustrating to say the least.
Cheryl - Yeah, if I know something won't come out of it (a relationship) then it's probably best to stay away. Good rule.
A.R. Bassa - Glad you appreciated the pun :D
A C - Yeah, I don't think there is any right or wrong way to go about things either.. But you're right, reality doesn't live up to fantasy.. which can be the trap.
latree - that's a good number of kids to stop at. :) i prefer birth control with a monogamous partner.. condoms if i were to engage in this that-which-i-don't-want-to-engage-in..
A Girl Named Me - You're quite welcome. Fun, hot, intentionally leading, frustrating... Story of my life. :D
You do understand that dreams filled with sex are a reflection of your subconscious. In your case not only do you want it but, you're body is craving it.
My professional opinion if you're not ready to break celibacy then have some 'alone time'. Experience and fulfill your desire with yourself. Set the mood and really get into it.
No sense in waking around ready to cum at any given moment....unless you like that feeling
Yeah I would have to agree with you about not having sex with anyone just to get it. I've been celibate for God knows how long but that does not mean I don't have an alone time. I crave for it, I want it, I love it but I don't cheapen myself just to have it.
Great post. Thanks for visiting my blog:)
Earthlingorgeous
And you just took the words out of my mouth.
I can't agree with you more about sex. Sex is a gift, and a beautiful thing, it's something I certainly don't want to abuse by turning it into a senseless act of habit.
Sex without love is pointless really.
And although my dirty little mind is similar to that of a teenage boy, I remain celibate as well until I find that right person to share those dirty little acts with. :P
I admire you for taking a year's sabatical from sex! And for having the guts to post this! You go girl!
One thing that struck me about the dream was the exhibitionism. There are people there, presumably watching. There's a blanket that can or can't be removed.
That raises a lot of questions for me. But part of me is also looking at this as fiction -- it's what I do, after all -- and so maybe these questions are best left for fiction. I don't know.
I do know you've made me think. Thanks.
Perplxin Texan - Oh yes, I understand dreams are subconscious and all that. And wow.. professional?? You found me out.. haha. Not been using my vibrator enough!
EarthlingGorgeous - Yeah, being gorgeous doesn't guarantee having a boyfriend.. I can get guys but the problem is finding the right one AND keeping him!
Tiff - It's nice to know i'm not the only one!
Linda Jacobs - Yes, thank you! I will keep that goal..
Susan - I agree there is probably something about the blanket and people there. There's always some sort of meaning in you subconscious dreams. Glad to make you think.
It's noble to believe sex is sacred and have high morals, but sex is still thought of as an almost unnatural act of depravity by religious zealots. It's just a natural part of life. Most of a person's beliefs about sex are based on how they were raised. I don't sleep around with whoever and would much prefer to actually be in love, but in real life it doesn't always work out that way.
A friend of mine waited until marriage for sex only to find out his wife thought oral sex was a sin and only wanted sex to have babies, not for pleasure. They divorced and he became a man-whore lol:)
I'm so burned out on blogging right now I've been taking a break. It almost seems like I've discussed every subject known ad nauseum hahaha:) I think it happens to every blogger . . . eventually.
Hi Floreta, cool thoughts and I dig the message at the end, the old adage used to be ...and if you can't be careful, buy a pram!
I think people should seriously clink~your~link...
I'm gonna put it on my blog right now!
-Andy
I had a similar time, though it wasn't through choice! Looking back I think it was a great thing, to be alone for about a year and a half. I didn't have any casual relationships, and I found a great man when I knew more about myself to help me know what I wanted.
I took a TWO year hiatus from sex between the ages of 20-22. I dated casually and often didn't get asked out again because of it but then I met my husband! Well, I didn't mention that he's now my ex-husband but it did last 18 years!
But I'm very old campared to you and only reminiscing.
I think you should give yourself permission to enjoy it even if it doesn't lead to anything or even if it's "just sex". I kind of wish I had, looking back on it now.
Bobby - Oh I am definitely not of the persuasion that sex is for reproduction. LOL. Sex is still just pleasure to me.
Yeah, it seems as if you've been blogging longer than me. How many subjects can you write about again and again before you run out of things to say or repeat yourself, right? I've still got some steam left but hope you can come up with more topics soon! And enjoy the break.
Andy - Thanks! The link is very fitting for your submission as well.
Penny - I'm still trying to know more about myself. :)
Pagan Sphinx - I see this very valid point as well. Which is why I always bounce back and forth in my head.. If i'll regret my choices NOT to do things, etc. Anyway as you may or may not can tell, I have a real-life situation that's causing me to think of this. :D
Sex is something that gets people to listen, and everyone has their own opinions about what is right or wrong about sex, so your post was a great take from woman's point-of-view on the issue of sex.
Wear a condom. That is some sage advice right there. I wish you luck on staying celibate for a full year. I admire you for your tenacity. It will pay off.
I'm with AC that the reality so rarely meets the fantasy that you have to go with what feels right. Most people need some kind of connection, though. It doesn't have to be "'til death do us part," but there needs to be a mutual respect and liking, a shared understanding.
Floreta,
I wish more young women could be as candid and mature and responsible as you.
By the way, it's Women's History Month and International Women's Day was yesterday. This piece couldn't be anymore pro-woman. Come visit me at BES.
You rock!
Adellbeek - Thank you. Though, I can't say I speak for every woman. Just my own opinions.
The Demigoddess - Thanks, I only hope I can keep it!
Ann - You're absolutely right that it doesn't have to be til death do us part. To have a mutual liking and respect are good requirements.
Susan - I was fully aware of IWD yesterday! Very awesome. I want to do a piece for Women's History Month since I missed the day.. hmm.
felt like reading a bit of myself !! liked this post :)
This post is not easy to read, but encouraging people to think about the issues of sexuality and celibacy is relevant to women of any age. Thanks for posting it.
Lovemaking is delicious and just wonderful and very fulfilling when you do it with someone you loved, cared and adored with all your heart - your spouse. Its a beautiful thing. Hubby and I waited until we said " I do" before we did it. We've been married for 6 years now and everytime we do it, its always wonderful experience. I cant stand guilt and suffer consequences afterwards, I hate fuss and bother. A lot of people would call me boring person, but I dont care. I am having a wonderful relationship with my husband and enjoy sex to the max.
I admire your honesty Floreta. Your blog is very interesting and very entertaining too :)
Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
I'd say there's some gutsy writing going on here. Well written and erotic, this beginning. You are very honest with yourself and to know what you can and can not handle and what you need and want...how did you get so smart at 20 something?
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