Redefining the Modern Marriage in a Postmodern World

This blog started as an introspective exercise to think about marriage and what it means to me. As a self-proclaimed feminist, I have struggled with the idea of marriage and whether or not it is something that I'd even want. I spent lots of time (over)thinking and trying to come up with conclusions. Eventually, I realized marriage means whatever you want it to mean. And I hope someday that it can mean something to me.

The following entry was inspired by an article I read in The Atlantic entitled Lets Call the Whole Thing Off, by Sandra Tsing Loh. Hat-tip to @eighteyes on twitter for pointing me to the piece. Apologies for such a long article but this topic doesn't quite lend itself to be short.

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Is Marriage Obsolete?
Writer Sandra Tsing Loh seems to think so. Despite Americans being vastly more religious than Europeans, we also have the highest divorce rates in the West. Andrew J. Cherlin, author of Marriage-Go-Round believes this is because "Americans hold two values at once: a culture of marriage and a culture of individualism." This is an interesting assertion because of its paradoxical nature. I have talked about American Rugged Independence before, and its effects on the Lonely American. It seems as if the balance between marriage and independence is a fine line that few master, with marriage and divorce rates at a projected 90%. What is a "Culture of Marriage" and what is a "Culture of Individualism" and how can we merge the two together in a more effective way?

A Culture of Marriage
The culture of marriage is generally female driven. From a young age, girls are taught to dream about their big wedding day, and of "happily ever after" fairytales. The media focus on weddings via celebrity gossip, or such shows like Bridezilla and Buff Brides isn't much help. We have been socialized to believe that this is just what we do, and in turn, that this is what we want. Many don't question the traditional order of marriage and kids as if this is just how it's done. When heterosexual females are seen as going against the traditional order of things, parents, mothers, and peers may question her decisions. Even if a female is already married, but without kids, pressure from society deems it their duty to ask, or downright demand, when you will have kids.

Meanwhile, boys aren't off the hook either. While the pressure to marry isn't as ingrained since childhood, the pressure to marry comes later in life from their girlfriends. They may find pressure in a romantic (and traditional) proposal or pressure in a more traditional courtship. Although the 21st century is in a unique mix of transition, overruling tradition to the "hook up" culture, there is still a desire for the eventual "settling down" which has been positioned synonymously with marriage.

A Culture of Independence
The culture of independence is generally male driven. The need to Explore new worlds, dating back to ancient history, has been a male phenomenon. Men, evolutionary speaking, are the hunters and often need time to themselves, or with other groups of men to take a break from the notion of family, union or marriage. This is a regenerative state and is essential.

Meanwhile, as feminism has pushed women forward, so too are women joining in on the culture of independence. More women are attending college than men, and more women are going into the workforce to establish careers. Women are working hard to establish what men have taken for granted. The modern woman is financially independent, educated, career driven, and free-spirited. Education is also a factor in the rise of median marrying age. People are getting married later in life or simply not getting married at all, and choosing to cohabitate instead.

The Traditional Marriage
So what does this all mean? Is marriage obsolete? I believe we are in a transition phase and that the traditional marriage is becoming obsolete. However, I don't think this means marriage is obsolete, it is just changing in a technology driven, post-feminist society. Should we go back 50 years when marriages were more stable and when traditional marriage reigned? Not necessarily. Just because people stayed married, doesn't mean they were any happier than couples who stay married now. Just because they stayed married doesn't mean there weren't problems with cheating husbands. As Betty Friedan so coined "the problem that has no name" in the pinnacle of feminist 1950s literature, The Feminine Mystique, housewives weren't any more satisfied than women in the modern marriage. The only difference is that women are more likely to divorce than the housewives of the 50s. Is that liberation and empowerment these days?

The traditional marriage is between one man and one woman. The traditional marriage, like it's 1950s model, subscribes to gender roles and stereotypes and is ideally "til death do us part". The problem today isn't marriage, but how we think of marriage. Modern civil rights is for gay rights and is trying to redefine marriage to fit beyond one man and one woman and include homosexuals. The shift in perspectives that it would have to take to redefine marriage is getting quite the backlash, as people feel threatened and uncomfortable by the undoing of the "sanctity of marriage". Still, I believe this shift has to change. The fact that society, as a whole, is reluctant to do so only proves that we still view marriage in a traditional sense.

The traditional marriage is obsolete.

Open Relationships and Serial Monogamy: The Modern Marriage
More and more literature is coming out in favor of open marriages or open relationships, arguing that humans aren't evolutionary meant to be monogamous. While this may not be the view that I personally subscribe to, the sexually liberating 21st century is seeing a shift in perspectives as more people consider this model.

In Sandra Tsing Loh's article, she argues that people are meant to be serial monogamists, with relationships cycling in periods up to 5 years at a time. Humans just aren't meant for lifelong monogamy, and the few couples who make it are the anomoly. Whether or not you agree with serial monogamy or open relationships, both argue that humans just aren't meant for lifelong partnership. Both argue against the traditional marriage. Loh calls this a difference between "Old World" and "New World":

If marriage is the Old World and what lies beyond is the New World, it’s the apparently stable men (comfortable alone in their postfeminist den with their Cook’s Illustrated and their porn) who are Old Worlders, and the Girls’ Night Out, questionnaire-completing women who are the questing New Worlders.

Navigating the Postmodern World
In case you didn't get the memo, we live in a postmodern world. A world full of chaos, disconnection, fragmentation and a confusing reality where nothing is as certain as it seems, least of all marriage. So how do we marry the traditional marriage with the modern marriage? How can marriage work? Women are indeed at the forefront of New Worlders because we are at the forefront of feminism. We want more than just a sexless relationship, and practical marriage. Dare I say, we want romance. We want to know we're more than just the mom, with a set of roles increasingly hard to maintain in the fast-paced postmodern world.

The problem today isn't marriage, but how we think of marriage.

Society is at a transition. While we have modern marriage to navigate, we are still thinking of the traditional marriage as the goal, while often, at the same time despising tradition! Thus, more marriages end in divorce. Since the traditional marriage is obsolete, it is becoming harder to navigate without a solid model; a classically postmodern conundrum.

A redefinition is needed. Before a couple marries, both people should critically think about marriage and what it means to them in order to redefine what marriage can mean for eachother. Couples should set their own model, taking bits from society and their own personal experiences and preferences. One should not marry in the traditional sense because it's just how its done with little self reflection involved. Personal vows are one way to critically think about marriage and what it means for eachother. A re-evaluation and redefinition should take place periodically as marriage, and the people in them, often, and will, evolve.

The postmodern marriage is neither traditional nor modern, but a redefinition of each as pertains to each individual. Throw expectation of "til death do us part" out the window, but vow to work as a team to strive for that goal. It can be more classic and traditional, or it can be more open. It can be independent, or it can even be codependent. What's important is that you agree upon the model that you're working with with your partner. Where couples flounder is when a model is in transition, or when two people can't agree with the model. It is at these re-evalution stages where crossroads can either weaken or strengthen a couples' bond.

Marriage means whatever you want it to mean. Maybe only then, will marriage thrive, or even survive, but in this day and age it is not for certain.

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Sunday Scribblings: Human

Sources:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/09/education/09college.html
http://www.infoforhealth.org/pr/j41/j41chap1_4.shtml#top