Hungry

[sunday scribblings . hungry]

I used to hunger for affection
This insatiable well that
Filled me up
With imperfect cracks that
Leaked and left me
Wanting more and more
Selfish for your love

I used to hunger for approval
The gold star
The pat on the back
Creating my self worth
Outside of myself
Like I was nothing without it
My self-esteem torn

I used to hunger for pain
Self-destructive cycles
Heart wrenching emotions
Negative body language and
The pin prick to my skin that
Would manifest catharsis
Mitigating Hurt

Now I hunger for balance
Creating myself for myself
Accepting responsibility
Knowing that I am good enough
Sharing my compassion
With empathy and
Self-love

* * *

When my ex and I were on the brink of a break-up, he said something that struck me.

"You'll just find another guy to be with. You won't need me." His ego seemed bruised with hurt. His argument for staying with him?
"You'll just repeat your patterns with the next person you're with. It won't be any different. Stay with me and work through this." It was a tempting argument. After all, I thought I was in it for life, sans the wedding vows, we had verbally committed so at the beginning of our relationship. I look forward to the rest of our lives together. The words still ring in my ears. The hand written letter in his chicken scratch that was somehow still legible to me long gone for recycle. Those words clench my skin like a clamp locked down and numbing my nerves. Those words are my prison.

Not one to abandon teamwork, that "failure" of relationship has been an eye-opening, humbling, visceral pain. There was a point in my pain where clarity snuck in and I knew exactly what I had to do. I am still doing it.

No, I am not latching myself on to another guy, which is so easy for me. I find that insulting. It's not that I don't need anyone. But I don't need any one.

My argument for leaving him?
I felt strongly that I could no longer be in a relationship that was prohibiting me from doing the inner work I needed so I wouldn't repeat my patterns. I felt strongly that this journey needed to be done on my own. And that trying to balance a relationship I wasn't fit to be in would only get in the way and make things harder. Understanding that this was the key in releasing both of our pain, and finding clarity, he agreed.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am too commitment-phobic to try again. After all, I am running away to Asia, for a "temporary" year.

Sometimes I hunger for that companionship with someone else. I want to share my life with someone. I don't need them to fulfill me anymore, which is the mistake I took in my last relationship. I don't need to find happiness, joy or completion with another person. I just want to share my fulfillment, happiness and completion; to create my own from within, and to create and share from without. This isn't an exclusive relationship; you can share this with anyone. You don't need any one. But personal relationships are one of the best ways to experience the self, and personal evolution.

I don't believe in things like the one or failed relationships. My relationship wasn't a failure just because it ended. Is it a failure when you learn more about yourself? Is it a failure when you evolve as a person? I hate patronizing words like "you'll find the right person eventually" or "he was just the wrong person for you". I don't believe in right or wrong, but simply what works and what doesn't work. My ex wasn't "wrong" for me. He was exactly the right person at the right time when I needed it to find clarity in my mistakes of what doesn't work. He was exactly what I needed in order to find the strength to finally do what works for me. Sometimes, this means making hard decisions. Critical choices that give you opportunities to experience your personal evolution. My break-up was a blessing in disguise. And even amongst the gut-wrenching pain that I felt months after we separated ways, I kept telling myself that this was a blessing. That there was purpose for this.

Since then, I have not met anyone that feels "right". Maybe it's because my own timeline is already set towards Asia, and anything away from that choice feels out of place. I am pulled to Asia as strongly as I felt it was time to separate ways with my ex. Both decisions were moments of clarity. The moment I can feel so clearly with someone else is the moment I will learn to try again. Until then, I continue to create my own happiness. Happiness is not something that can be found; it is something that you cultivate. And so, it is in this way that I no longer feel emotional hunger, because I am learning how to feed my soul.