India Bound: 2010

Sometimes, I still feel this immense feeling of being alone. The feeling can be so overwhelming that I crawl up into a ball and cry. I wrap myself into the presence of the moment, and realize that I am connected and I am not alone. I assure myself that good things are in store for me, and that things will all work out the way they are supposed to. And that I am exactly right where I need to be.

It's hard leaving a life of "comfort" and taking a leap of faith into the unknown, all because you want to stay true to yourself. As painful as it was to break-up with someone I loved and cared about immensely, I knew it had to be done. Believe me when I say it is still a struggle, at times, not to want what I had. Not to throw myself to the next guy that will take me. Not to try again with him. Not to get coupled. In a little under 5 months, I will be India bound to volunteer in the Northern Himalayas of Palampur, helping street kids in a child daycare center. This life changing experience is a result of drastic shifts that I felt spiritually necessary. After living my earlier 20s in a life not my own, with decisions that were mostly made for me, I feel it is time to make my own decisions, in the biggest way possible.

2010 will not only be spent in India, but will be an indefinite move to the Philippines, my home country. Please assure that I will not stop blogging in this process and will have lots of ongoing stories and pictures to share. Because January is fast approaching, donations are humbly accepted for my trip. This will go towards my trip to India only, and all excess funds that I may acquire will be donated to the NGO and street kid program which I will be a part of for two weeks.

I have tried brainstorming ways to make extra money, as well as save and live frugally on my paycheck. Thoughts of an Etsy shop with my photography have circled my brain a few times, getting a part-time job, selling my furniture and other possessions, as well as cultivating more of my painting and art skills that I have let collect dust. Suggestions, advice and thoughts are greatly welcome from you, my readers. Would there be any interest in an Etsy site of my prints and/or other art (which, honestly, I have never printed my photographs, ever, and I don't have inventory of "other art"...yet)?

The thought of 2010 is both exciting and extremely scary. I am anxious. I don't know how I will be as a volunteer. I don't know what exactly I'll be doing to help, other than "taking basic school lessons, playing with the children, providing medical support for them and introducing them to activities (such as painting) that they would never otherwise have a chance to do." I don't know how I will get everything together by January, and even the little details of getting everything in place worries me. I am terrified, but I am following through with this. I am absolutely committed and believe this is exactly what I have to do and want to do.

For a long time, since college, I have had a growing need in me to reject status quo. Climbing the corporate ladder? Joining the rat race? Move to New York? Married with kids? Keeping up with the Joneses? Not my cup of tea. I have felt more and more that material possessions do not buy happiness and that people get too bogged down with stuff. The answer to this is simply, simplicity. Simplify your life. I thought I had found someone to share my life with me who was likeminded but the truth was, our lifestyle was hypocritical of what (I thought) he supposedly believed in. All thought and no action.

As I lived this life I felt more and more that it was not for me, and that I needed an alternative to stay true to myself. Even when I was unsure of what this alternative was or looked like, I knew where I was was not where I wanted to be. That realization was heartbreaking but the pain it caused me to remain in my situation was greater than the pain it caused me to get out of it. Slowly, I am starting to see the shifts and changes of what I envision this alternative life to be. As Mahatma Gandhi once said:

Live simply, so that others may simply live.

Believe me, I am really fucking surprised that this journey has lead me to humanitarianism. And, without a doubt, I am sure that this journey must be done in singledom. Sure, I wanted to join Peace Corps once I graduated from college, but that wasn't a real desire, since it got shot down by my ex-boyfriend who convinced me that I should live with him. None of my far-fetched dreams were encouraged as realities, and treated as an unlikely wish that we could do together "eventually" when it was more "practical". I obliged and predictably, grew resentful.

Why India?
During college, I took an Indian Art History class and was instantly fascinated by the rich culture of India. Not only was class interesting and I looked forward to it every week, but I could tell my teacher had so much passion for India and advocated visiting the historical landmarks and cultural treasures. With my already apparent interest in Buddhism, Indian Art History was an added layer of appeal as I learned about the country from which Buddhism originated. We read about Buddhist stupas, and Ashoka's pillars, which were erected throughout Northern India and had spiritual inscriptions of Buddhist teachings engraved. We learned about the Ajanta Caves, which were intricately carved out of stone and rich with Buddhist sculpture and masterpieces. We learned about Hinduism and Shiva, Lingams, Ganesh, Lakshmi and Kali. We saw a presentation of Indian classical music with the sitar, and Indian classical dance. Outside of class, I went to a live concert to see Ravi Shankar, one of the top live performances I have ever seen.

In short, I loved all of it and vowed that I would one day visit India. Deemed in my mind as my #1 country to visit, I had no idea it would take me only 5 years later to do it. Not bad for a girl who has struggled with self esteem, claims she's a horrible planner, and has a hard time making her own decisions without "going with the flow" of what others want from her, often times getting taken advantage of.

Why Volunteer?
I believe volunteering gives you a unique look into a culture that most tourist experiences will not get. I don't like being merely a tourist, and find the word insulting. I want to live and experience a culture the way locals do. Even if I don't necessarily see the ancient sites from my art history class, I will be content in knowing that I am in this beautiful country that holds it. Living amongst the locals will be an enriching experience that I will gladly take.